Lately it feels like the life lessons are coming thick and fast. Like someone is perpetually holding up a life size mirror exposing all the uncomfortable truths I've tried to hide from without even realising it. 

A number of things have been converging to result in this situation. Firstly, the Inside Out series we have been going through at Tribe with its focus on neuroplasticity and rewiring our brains; then there's the Richard Rohr book "Falling Upward" that is blowing my mind with its insights and the timeliness of its advice every time I pick it up. More generally in life there have been situations that have provoked a strong emotional response and I've had to analyse why I have reacted so vehemently .... I guess it isn't surprising that all this has produced a heady cocktail of self-analysis!

Rohr has introduced the concept to me of a 'persona' and 'shadow self' which has revolutionised my thinking. He says that the 'persona' is the stage mask you diligently construct in the first half of your life and try desperately to live up to. The 'shadow (real) self' then is 'what you refuse to see about yourself, and what you do not want others to see'. In order to transition to the 'second stage' of life you have to let go of your persona and live more and more out of your shadow self. If you choose to hold onto the persona ('what most people want from you and reward you for, and what you choose to identify with') you will end up becoming 'imprisoned within yourself'. Ultimately, we can try then to see beyond even our own shadow then to our "True Self' which is 'who you are "hidden [with Christ] in God"'.

This may all just sound like a bunch of weird concepts, but I have found it amazing in articulating exactly what I'm working through right now- trying to let go of caring so much about what others think about me, letting myself be seen to be struggling (rather than running away or retreating to keep my 'in control'/'perfect mother' persona intact), not punishing myself for 'failing' with the kids, and taking responsibility for my own faith journey and not just being a parasite on Dave's!

Earlier in the week we had a really hard day, and I think the reason was that the realisations I had last week regarding pouring myself into tangible goals so I could still feel as if I was succeeding as a mother, meant that I couldn't even fall back on my usual 'crutches' in making myself feel validated again. From my usual framework, I achieved a lot (in terms of washing, cleaning and baking), but the relational failings really hit me this time. I cracked it at Eli for overreacting to Hudson and pushing him into a door frame, but could see the hypocrisy of myself losing it (overreacting) at the same time. Having these insights, however, didn't fill me with joy at the exposure of the game but caused great sadness and despair at my persistent lack. The next night I read "there will always be some degree of sadness, humiliation, and disappointment resulting from shadow work, so it's best to learn to recognize it and not obsess over it. It is the false self that is sad and humbled, because its game is over." I love that Rohr gives me a framework to understand and make sense of this part of the journey!

Another of Rohr's insights is that the shadow self is at play every time one has a strong emotional response to something. Either I am a very emotional person, or my persona is in the process of completely falling to bits! Now I have been asking myself what the root cause of the reaction is, and usually it is related to my attempts (and failure) to control or a reaction to others being seemingly unencumbered by others' view of them. Rohr says that he prays for at least one good  disappointment or humiliation a day so as to keep the shadow self firmly in view and to keep him humble. Motherhood definitely provides that quota!

Anyway, the positive side of all of this is that I have been able to recover more quickly from brain snaps and poor parenting decisions and hopefully be a very real example to the kids of facing your faults and weaknesses head on instead of burying them and suffering anxiety as a result. 

Also, as I look back through photos of the past few weeks, these internal struggles aren't what shines through, but the positive and meaningful moments of connection with Dave, Eli and Hudson. We have gone on numerous trips to Savers, baked together, set up our Christmas tree, listened to Christmas carols non stop, I've watched the boys have countless cute conversations, they have made up games together, and Dave and I have started playing a computer game together again as well!

Mum and Dad have just moved out of our family home of 24 years and the process has brought up some good memories of our time spent there. Their new house and proximal walking distance location to parks and shops is incredible, too, which makes me so excited as to the memories we will create there! 

Life is far more than the sum of struggling moments. Even if they seem to stand out like a black stain on a white dress. Meaningful connections, being vulnerable, saying sorry, creating memories, sharing experiences- this is the messiness that makes our reality so worth living.

All through life, whether at school, university or work, I have been trained to expect feedback and to hope for positive affirmation of a task well done. 

At school the validation of my teachers and peers was very important and I would look forward to the annual Presentation Night, hoping that I had won as many accolades as possible and hoping to score the prestigious Academic Excellence award. In year 9 I had a wayward year, spending my energy chasing boys and popularity rather than focusing on my studies and I clearly remember the feeling of acute disappointment on the awards evening as I walked away with very little. In that moment I resolved that I would return my attentions to study first, and any flirtations would simply have to play second fiddle. 

My identity became closely linked with academic performance and I chose to pursue a career in law rather than the teacher I had often said I would be. When I got to university, however, I soon realized I was in the middle of the pile of a very clever group of people and had to spend a number of years working out the system and deciphering what the lecturers and examiners were looking for before eventually being able to graduate with Honors.

I was lucky enough to find a job as a lawyer in a department with a very affirming and supportive boss, though one who was not shy in telling me that he also had high expectations. He was very good at articulating how I could improve and meet these expectations, however, so I thrived under the pressure and affirmation. 

Now, as a full time mother, my 'clients' (or bosses) are very inconsistent in their expectations, vocal in their unrealistic needs and not shy about sharing their preference for the parent who isn't at home with them 24/7. There are no clear Key Performance Indicators and only vague glimpses of any measure of success. There are always persistent reminders of failure in the form of mess, 'to do' items that keep getting 'snoozed', face-palm moments of hypocrisy as you see yourself cracking it at the kids telling them to stop cracking it, and regretted discipline decisions. 

To compensate for this lack of clarity, I have been pouring myself into things that can be measured: creating great menu plans for weekly meals, keeping on top of the washing so no laundry hamper ever gets too full, containing all mess to the play room, baking often and arranging epic kids' parties to celebrate the passing of another year. Not that I don't enjoy or feel satisfaction in completing these activities, but more realistically, it is one of the only solid ways I have found to measure my 'worth' as a mother.

As a mother you are kind of screwed. You deeply care about your kids' development and character, but you can't allow their achievements or failures to define your identity. The former leads to unhealthy attachment, the latter potentially to some form of disassociation or distancing yourself emotionally from them. You also have a house to run, but if you pour the majority of your time into cleaning and maintaining, the kids can become another obstacle to your goal of a well kept abode. I am yet to find a healthy balance to these conundrums. 

I didn't even realize how much all this was affecting me until recently. I could see vague symptoms, the urgent drive to keep the house clean and the need to self-medicate at times to avoid intense introspection, but it wasn't until Dave brought it up that I allowed myself to admit the true weight of the burden. A creature built on affirmation, now in a perpetual role that provides almost none. In some ways I feel like I should have seen it coming, but some things are only really obvious in hindsight. 

With the tears and admissions came relief and clarity. I could go back to work if I wanted to, but I don't think that provides any real answers to my existential crisis. It would provide me with an outlet to feel affirmed and validated, but still only mask my core soul need of freeing myself from the bounds of needing that quantifiable encouragement to prop up my identity. 'If you weren't a teacher, you didn't have Tribe and you were not doing a PhD, where would you get your worth from?' I asked Dave. He replied: 'From self mastery of desires and the cultivation of character'. He's definitely further along in this journey of self discovery than I am! 

I've been reading a book that I would normally turn my nose up at in favour of a good old fantasy epic or detective novel. It's called 'Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life'. The premise is that there are two stages of life open to us- the first 'creation of identity' stage where we strive to work out who we are, and the second phase which only some achieve in which the mysteries of suffering, loss, challenges and mistakes are understood and appreciated as creating meaningful life. The author, Richard Rohr, speaks of spirituality as being enriched more when we do wrong than when we do right if we can bravely face our faults and mistakes and allow them to humble us. The words seemed to leap from the page even as I could barely see them through my tears. I have so much to learn and understand about life and myself, but facing my fears and failings ended up being freeing and exhilarating. 

I know that this will be a long and difficult journey, one in which I will no doubt make countless mistakes and errors, but I think I am beginning to understand that it is in these moments that I actually learn the most. Instead of fearing failure and trying to avoid it at all costs, I have no need to run from it any more. That is far more powerful than the fleeting boost of confidence even the most encouraging affirmation can provide.

It is a real shame that lessons learned do not automatically stick with you in the form of magically changed behaviour. This week I had to 're-learn' why some things are so important- in particular, how much I need relationships and that being stubborn and 'self-sufficient' does not lead to positive emotional outcomes for me or my family.

We just lost some really good friends. Well, they moved to America but in some ways it feels as if they are gone forever, a whole world away. It wasn't a surprise that they were going, but its funny how the loss hits you emotionally like a ton of bricks, even when you feel as if you had processed it well mentally. Last Sunday at Tribe was the first one without Alex and Monica and I wasn't prepared for how it would make me feel. I found it hard to view many things positively and felt on the verge of tears often. Eli was also struggling to process the loss of his best friend, Chase, and I probably took on more than I should in empathising with his emotional state. The old fear of 'how is Tribe going to survive without them' kept repeating itself as an anxious war drum in my mind, and my response was to withdraw, both in my interactions and then in the form of leaving earlier than normal with the kids.

The theme of isolation continued into the week, with my usual routine of heading to both sets of parents for a day falling through. Instead of embracing the challenge and looking for new opportunities to connect, I chose to burrow in at home, losing a bit of perspective in the process. By Thursday afternoon, my emotional state was pretty dark and my 'editing' of the week was more of a tumultuous post-apocalyptic saga than happy family movie. The thought of getting back out and heading off to House Church was not on my list of things to look forward to. Man, am I glad that I went though!

Even the trip over to Allie's house helped in altering my perspective. A quiet car, space to think and process the highs and lows of the week. By the time I arrived, I was looking forward to the challenge of realigning my actions with the values I supposedly ascribed to. At the moment, at Tribe, we are doing a series based in neuroplasticity and how we can rewire our brains to replace unhealthy habits and create better relationships in the process. It has been one of the most challenging and practical series to date for me, and I have done a lot of analysing of my reactions and habits as a result. One of the most helpful things in the series is how it highlights the importance of authentic community and relationships in assisting us to change our habits. If we are not willing to be vulnerable and accountable to those around us, the process is so much harder. After leaving the house under a stormy cloud and probably bracing for an impending downpour, Dave was very relieved to receive me home instead spouting acquired insights and hopes of changing practices. He puts up with a lot sometimes!

I'm realising more about my triggers and 'tells' that happen before an outburst of frustration- in particular, when my response to a situation is to release an expletive or three. The reminder that anger can often be in response to an unspoken attitude that I am 'entitled' in some way to 'good behaviour' or a pre-determined amount of sleep from my toddler, which is- let's be honest- completely unrealistic! Gratitude as the anti-dote to anger has been another weapon in my arsenal this week, and one that needs practice to become commonplace... I'm also resolving not to play the 'grumpy wife' and let things slide as soon as Dave steps through the door. Can't be that fun to know that you might have to brace against stormy weather in the place that is actually meant to be a haven and refuge.

I've also noticed myself saying "But I'm not good at..." a lot this week. Things like initiating catch ups or heading out on spontaneous adventures definitely aren't my strengths but that  doesn't mean I can't push against the initial wave of discomfort and have a go.

Whether it was changed perspective or changed circumstance, Tribe today seemed to be poles apart from last week. I could see everyone pulling together, seamlessly interacting and chatting, new faces and the possibility of new relationships, children shrieking in delight and running around playing games together, an amazing array of delicious food carefully prepared by so many different hands, people initiating ideas for living more simply and hope for a community filled already with so many precious people. My anchor belongs firmly here- with those who know my weaknesses and love me in spite of these quirks. Here's hoping I don't have to learn that lesson again too soon.