"This is perhaps the greatest risk any of us will take- to be seen as we truly are."
Cinderella

Let's just say it has been a discomforting month.

Any topic which forces you to examine who you are at your core is bound to be a little challenging and this theme of authenticity has over-delivered on anticipations.

My exploration took me from the field of philosophy with Charles Taylor's examination of the notion in 'The Ethics of Authenticity' to the enjoyable and often hilarious British comedy 'Miranda'. I moved through Brene Brown's 'Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead' and found inspiration in Hiccup's counter cultural example in 'How to Train Your Dragon'. Richard Rohr rounded out the quest in his spiritually focused 'Immortal Diamond: The Search for our True Self'.

So what exactly does it mean to 'be authentic'? Is it an adherence to the current feelings or notions of what is 'true' for me right now? At this particular stage in my life I can hit heights of immense love and awe in one moment, and be livid with rage and frustration the very next. Which 'me' is the essence that I should identify with?

After a particularly taxing 'parenting fail' experience during the month, I came to the conclusion that the Enneagram has a lot to offer in distinguishing the core of my personality type and the external pressures or inspirations that impact upon that. I also delved into the past to figure out why I have clothed myself in the particular persona of 'nice Emma' and how I am in the process of shedding that cocoon.

Yet a mere focus on 'self' is not a complete answer to the deeper question posed by authenticity.

Charles Taylor puts it beautifully when he proposes:

"There is a certain way of being human that is my way. I am called to live my life in this way, and not in imitation of anyone else's... If I am not, I miss the point of my life, I miss what being human is for me".

Taylor suggests that authenticity is the process of discovery (in dialogue with others around us) in "finding the design of my life myself, against the demand of external conformity". A destination that we can only achieve once we realise that "this sentiment connects us to a wider whole".

The profound nature of his examination is this: If we each truly were to pursue the concept of authenticity in our own lives, there would be no concept of scarcity, of rivalry, of hierarchy. If every person were to truly realise there is a unique nature to their own experiences, creativity and insights about the world and seek to develop that AND that this is the case for each other human on the planet, we would be able to exist in a peaceful and thriving society.

Rohr echoes this concept and takes it further, proposing each of us possesses a True Self, an imprint of God himself that is as utterly unique as our fingerprint. He says "life is not a matter of creating a special name for ourselves, but of uncovering the name we have always had". He affirms the view of Franciscan philosopher, John Duns Scotus who states that each soul has a unique 'thisness' and God created "only specific and unique incarnations of the Eternal Mystery- each one chosen, loved and preserved in existence as itself- by being itself".

That blows my mind.

We spend so much of our lives comparing, shrinking and conforming- scarcely realising we each have something incredible and unique to offer.

If Hiccup had fallen into line behind his imposing Chieftain father, accepting the narrative that he must emulate a 'proper Viking' and kill dragons to protect his people, the island of Berk would never have dreamed of the intimacy and thrill of partnering with dragons as their riders. If he had instead felt shame over his non-conformity and allowed that message to overwhelm him, there would be no poignant tale, only the fable of a community driven by fear and violent tradition.

So often we applaud authenticity in others, cheering at the bravery of their vulnerability- but when it comes to our own lives, we cower and second guess our offerings. 'It's not original enough', 'They could put it so much better than I can', 'I don't have the energy to do it right now', 'I'm not creative'... We dampen our message and cast it aside, burying ourselves in the next load of washing or binge watching the latest show on Netflix.

You are the only 'you' that will ever exist on this planet.

What inspires you, makes your face light up with delight? How have you suffered and overcome the darkness? What are your stories, your fears, your desires? Damn the shows and the washing, share these gifts with the world around you and embody the 'you' that was envisaged from the origin of time!

It will take immense bravery and courage, and there is no guidebook that will set out the path for you, but if we look to each other and celebrate our attempts to unfurl, honouring the diversity that each exposed soul presents, true beauty is bound to emerge.

This piece is part of an exploration of monthly themes as a part of my resolutions for this year. For January's exposition on Hospitality see here and for February's exploration of Spirituality see here.  

This piece is part of an exploration of monthly themes as a part of my resolutions for this year. For January's exposition on 'The Art of Hospitality' see here. 

It has been a month of discoveries, realisations and epiphanies. Who knew spirituality could be so enticing?

There was an eloquent element of symmetry to the way the month played out, commencing in a session with Rob Bell at the Athenaeum Theater and concluding with Bell's online course 'A Practical Guide to Finding Joy and Meaning in Everyday Life'.

Not that Bell alone holds the key to unlocking the mystery of spirituality, indeed, the breadcrumbs of my searching took me far and wide- from an agnostic feminist practicing radical empathy through her advice columns in 'Tiny Beautiful Things', to the semi-Buddhist 'philosophical entertainer' Alan Watts, to the confessions of alcoholic Priest Brennan Manning in 'All is Grace: A Ragamuffin Memoir', to Hillsong's glamorous representation of faith as explored in GQ's compelling piece 'What Would Cool Jesus Do?'. I found it in Broadchurch, in the fascinating exploration of ordinary people pushed to extremes when they allow their desires to carry them away and in the Humans of New York Inmates series.

So what is this elusive force we call 'spirituality'?

The conundrum, I find, is that one cannot reduce the concept into mere words. It is as if attempting to catch a projected image of a butterfly with a net made of string.

But (to echo Alan Watts) when I acknowledge the incredible reality of our existence, in this tiny planet set in the midst of a vast solar system and galaxy and reflect on my ability to reflect on this fact, I "cannot formulate the question that is my wonder... The moment my mouth opens to utter it I suddenly find I am talking nonsense".

I believe it starts with a sense of perspective. Of the magnitude of the universe and the incredible gift of life... but conversely, of a sense of our own depravity if our desires are left unchecked.

"Accepting the reality of our broken, flawed lives is the beginning of spirituality not because the spiritual life will remove our flaws but because we let go of seeking perfection and, instead, seek God, the one who is present in the tangledness of our lives'.

This quote from Mike Yaconelli's 'Messy Spirituality' expresses so beautifully the completely counter-intuitive way in which spirituality finds its power. In our brokenness, our suffering, our pain.

Rob Bell recounted the story of the time he was advised to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting by one of the members of his congregation. At first, given his lack of addiction to alcohol, he failed to grasp the apparent need, but upon attending session upon session and passing when it came to his turn, he made an incredible discovery.

"What is this amazing force, that makes the air thick with emotion?" He pondered until eventually it dawned on him.

"Ahhh....This is a bull-shit free zone."

The power, that incredible alchemy, was comprised simply of people ceasing to pretend, dropping their masks and admitting that the worst version of themselves renders them helpless to do life alone.

There was a moment in the midst of our session, when a mother shared about her recent discovery that her son is gay. Her voice cracked with emotion as she spoke of the difficulty in reconciling this reality with her strict Catholic upbringing, yet her immense love for her son in wanting to understand him and journey with him burned through her words. The air in the theater swelled with empathy and the collective reactions of people feeling her struggle as their own, applauding her decision to choose love over estrangement and hollow adherence to religion.

'Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next'.
-Frederick Buechner, Whistling in the Dark

It is rare to meet a person who doesn't fear death. And I would hazard a guess that it isn't the potential for pain that incites such anxiety. Women willingly choose to go through childbirth all the time, knowing that the relatively brief agony that they will endure will be more than repaid in the reward of bringing forth new life into the world. We fear death, but for what reason? Is our life really being lived in a manner so compelling that to die would result in irretrievable loss? If there is no significant 'meaning' to our presence on the planet, why are we so compelled to protect our position?

Donald Miller's 'A Million Miles in a Thousand Years' was the final piece in the puzzle for me. The book expounds on the importance of story in our existence, and what makes a good story/life. When Miller chose to look at his life as a story, he woke up to the realisation that he would need to take risks, invest in relationships, follow compelling ideas, embrace whimsy and recognise the power of location in inspiring and solidifying memories.

A turning point for Miller was the chance meeting of Bob Goff and his family when he was part of a group kayaking trip in San Diego. They happened upon the Goff's family home (a stunning lodge set into the cliff and unable to be reached except by boat or plane) and spent the better part of eight hours with the family, who lavished them with food and conversation upon their arrival. Stories flowed, and they discovered the inspirational way of life that the family adhered to, whether it be inviting world leaders to sleep over when Goff was appointed as Uganda's Consul, concocting impromptu New Year's Day street parades in their neighbourhood (a tradition that now continues with participants numbering in the hundreds), or jumping fully clothed into the water as a tradition to farewell their guests.

Dave and I have become enchanted with this entire concept of viewing life as story. Of embracing the opportunities for relationship, connection, taking risks and looking for a greater meaning in the every day.

When the creator of the galaxies descended to experience life as a human, he didn't waste time setting out doctrines of theology and double-checking to make sure that all of his followers were toeing the line. He spun tales of wonder, woe and mystery, inviting all who were willing to listen into a hope for a better existence. He spoke in shrouded tales, provoking reactions in the crowd as each imagined themselves as characters in the drama. And then, he sat down with friends and crowds to feast and drink wine, savouring the moments that we so often rush through, prioritising connection and relationship above the impartation of information.

I don't know about you, but I want my life to have meaning.

I want to reach the end of my days (whenever that may be) and be satisfied that the story my life told was one worth telling. For me, that means embracing my faults and failures, admitting my depravity, following the path that my tears forge to the saving of my soul. Sharing meals with friends, holding people tight when life doesn't go 'to plan' and allowing myself to be carried through suffering. I want to gasp at the wonder of existence and savour each breath as a gift. Marvel at the sun glinting off the spun gold and chestnut hair of my children and gaze deeply into their eyes when they share a story with me. I want for each day to tell a story of an existence worth dying for, but most of all, one worth living for.

That is spirituality to me.

I think I may have gone a little overboard on the theme for this month.

Having two January babies and an incessant need to throw a party for every birthday made for a busy few weeks in itself. Then we went and invited guests to numerous 'crazy hour dinners', I signed up for baking for Matt's meals night in Upwey and just for fun, ended the month with a Cocktail Party.

I also had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of hospitality a number of times, and appreciated the little touches- like the thoughtful pajamas Baba laid out on each of our beds, the platter of seasonal fruit in easy reach on the dining table, the gourmet Connisseur ice-cream and wafers in cones on the deck at the Johnson residence, the laid-back 'any time is good for a shared meal' approach that Alex and Monica practice, and the surprise hearty meatball feast for lunch that Jamee whipped up for us.

Hospitality. It's a word brimming with magic and excitement for me.

I remember spending hours pouring over my mother's glossy cookbooks, reading through her handwritten notes of dinner parties thrown, the courses she had served and created. Mum had trained as a Home Economist and used her acquired knowledge to deftly craft impeccable meals for guests and family. The joy and satisfaction of inviting people into one's home and feeding them well somehow transposed onto my soul and has become a significant part of the way I love to operate.

I pondered a lot about the concept of hospitality this month. What makes it work, the elements that cause the most stress, things to avoid... and I came up with this (slightly random) list of thoughts and tips:

1. Planning is Key

A few years ago Dave converted me to the idea of menu planning and I can honestly say I will never go back.

Each fortnight, I sit down with our Meals Plan to set out the next fourteen meals and the ingredients needed to create them. I think forward to nights that we have invited guests along and decide what we will be serving them.

This works with party planning too. If I know we have a party coming up, I will add the extra ingredients into the normal shopping list so that I don't have to do an extra trip. Interestingly, it often seems that the total cost is not outlandishly more than normal.

For normal meals, if I'm feeling particularly inspired, I plan in cuisines, as this method has proven beneficial in utilising all of the spices or vegetables that might otherwise have gone to waste if bought in bulk. Last fortnight was Spanish themed, though I can resolutely declare I will not be making Gazpacho again. If recreating the essence of pureed salad with soggy bread was the aim of that recipe, it certainly delivered.

2. Set Up Rhythms of Hospitality

Life can get crazy, and the thought of adding one more thing into the calendar can sometimes seem overwhelming.

One of the most valuable things we have done is set up a fortnightly dinner with our friends Nick and Laura. We have the system down pat now- they bring a (spectacular) dessert and a bottle of wine and we provide the location and dinner. The kids get to hang out with their beloved Nick and Laura over dinner, have stories read to them by more interesting people than Mum and Dad, and then after they go to bed, we get time to chat, play Jay's Balls and drink wine. It is such a winning solution!

3. Hospitality Doesn't Have to Cost the Earth

Dave works part-time as a Teacher and part-time as the Community Organiser for our Open House community. Neither role floods us with cash, however we have more than enough to live a comfortable and enjoyable life.

By planning the menus in advance and taking the time to consider home-cooked options for parties/dinners, I find that I can create generous servings in bulk for a fraction of the cost that store bought food requires. Platters of Sushi, Burek, Meringue Cookies, Berry Trifle, Marscapone Brownies... just a few of the recent options that (mostly) utilised ingredients I already had on hand (or could acquire cheaply) yet produced a sizeable batch for serving.
 
That being said, I couldn't quite bring myself to cater for the Cocktail Party less than a week after Ivy's Safari Jungle Bash so I went with the pre-prepared options instead- Potato Wedges, Spring Rolls, Pork Dumplings, Spinach and Ricotta Triangles... with Antipasto options as well, and it didn't break the bank. Plus, if time is money, and I saved myself all those extra nights of cooking, it has to work out somehow in the end,...right?!

4. Have the Breakdown, Then Move On

There was a moment before Ivy's party when I looked at the time we had left, the amount I still had to prepare, the kids that were needing me outside every few minutes while I was desperately trying to churn out dozens of sausage rolls (for the party and for dinner) and I panicked. After arriving back late on Sunday night from Sydney, going out to another family's house for dinner Monday, having dinner guests on Tuesday and the Thursday of that week, it was all looking a bit like the world was closing in,... but we rearranged some things, Dave took all the kids on multiple adventures and it all magically got done in the end.

I don't know about you, but it is easy for me to start seeing tasks and events as 'heaping up', one after the other, which then just stresses me out. If I can stop that freak out process before it gets too far, however, I often find that I had more than enough time to get everything done, and that you can do a lot if you just put your mind to it!

5. Take Everything Step by Step

Every process can be broken down into little steps. In the past, my big event planning failures occurred when I tried to leave things to the last minute- icing cakes that were still warm, forging forward without reading the instructions for the cake mould and watching it collapse and drip out onto the base of the oven. Now, I make the cakes two days in advance, doing the frosting and assembling the night before the party, and try to pair preparation of the party food with the normal dinner menu for that week so that the work I was planning to do anyway is put to good use.

This works for dinner parties too. If I can do a slow cooker meal, or the bulk of the chopping while the kids are having rest time, the craziness of the witching hour dissipates slightly, as I have more time and mental energy to set up activities or games while I prepare the final touches.

6. Everything is Better When Everyone Contributes

If someone offers to help- LET THEM!

This has been a journey of sorts for me, but I am getting so much better at saying, 'Yes! How do you feel about making chocolate dip or bringing along some ice/drinks?'

The best example of this outlook is the Cocktail Party we threw last night. The deal was that everyone would bring one spirit and one mixer, and concoct a cocktail for the rest of us. The enthusiasm and excitement was priceless as everyone dreamed up their drink creations in anticipation! I could have invested a hell of a lot of money in booze and mixers, stressed myself out coming up with numerous options, but the ownership factor of each guest (and the money everyone saved as a result) was so much more rewarding.

7. Set the Tone

One of the things I love about entertaining is fashioning the entire mood of the event. Spotify is so amazing for discovering genres of music and creating applicable playlists for every occasion. For Ivy's party, I drew together vintage adventure tracks, Disney jungle themed scores (Tarzan, Jungle Book), safari and African-style music to create the 'jungle vibe' I was going for. For the Cocktail Party, I was lucky enough to discover a 'Vintage Cocktails, Crooners and Champagne' playlist that fit the tone perfectly.

You don't have to go overboard to decorate, but a few key touches go a long way. I use and reuse brown paper liberally, having cut paper bags into bunting, to the butcher's paper that adorns the bench to save on dishes create the inviting spread. I also use tissue paper, streamers or balloons (sparingly) along with the transformation of all our chalkboards to reflect the applicable theme. I'm getting back into candles as well, particularly for evening entertaining.

This may not be for everyone, but dressing for the occasion helps set the tone and increase MY excitement for the theme! Not that I go all out, but I selected a leopard print dress for Ivy's party and seized the occasion to wear a cocktail dress last night (both options already part of my wardrobe, I should add).

 

8. The Person Looking After the Kids Deserves At Least As Much of the Glory

One of the reasons I love parties so much is the time I get to spend, just me in my kitchen, dancing along to soundtracks, creating food for friends and family to enjoy. The alternative to this picture- having to squeeze in cooking time alongside of dashing in and out of the playroom to break up fights- is just a touch more stressful....

Dave's valiant efforts in kid-wrangling while I cook up a storm are so much appreciated, and I feel quite recharged when he returns, usually with a 'how the hell do you do this everyday?' look on his face.

9. When in Doubt, Throw a Cocktail Party

Have I mentioned how much I love Cocktail Parties!? When this article made the rounds on Facebook, I was hooked. I pretty much booked the date in our calendar on the spot.

I provided the food, the simple syrup, ice, mint syrup and soda water (as well as the alcohol and mixers for my own concoction) and everyone else brought the rest!

We sampled Mango Mojitos, Minty Toblerone Mudslides, Cosmopolitans, Espresso Martinis, Pisco Sours, a Dark and Stormy variation, a Tequila Sunrise and a White Russian... I loved watching all the crafting of the drinks, and the exclamations of delight at the different options. Plus, cocktail party conversation is priceless- where else would you have random conversations about being pickled in red wine after death (I'm looking at you, Dan Gray!).

We let the boys stay up way past their bedtime to greet the guests (and stuff as many chips and chocolate into their mouths as they thought they could get away with)! The sense of awe and wonder in their eyes as they peered at all the goodies laid out on the table and danced to the music brought me back to my own childhood- sneaking out to join the adults as they held their own parties, joining Mum and Dad at a Nautical Themed Murder Mystery night at the Hulls house and listening in on all the conversations and shrieks of laughter as we made our own fun jumping off bunk beds and playing Murder in the Dark.

10. Leftovers

Party leftovers are awesome! Until the second or third day and you hope you never, ever see another bowl of Banana Pudding again...

Getting the kids back to bed after their foray into the Cocktail Party proved a little more difficult, until we bribed them with a party of their own the next day with the (non-alcoholic) leftovers. It worked a treat.

....

I love the lifestyle that hospitality encourages- open-handed, celebratory and just plain fun! Even if we have been having a rough time with the kids and feeling a little fried, there is something magical about that moment the guests arrive- perspective accompanies them and you instantly feel less caught up in the mundane/whirlwind.

Life is meant to be celebrated, to be shared with friends and family, and the simple act of sitting down to eat can be made into an occasion to remember. The connections made, the joy and suffering shared, the experiences for our own children that I hope they remember with fondness. I want our house to be a zone for all of these things- a place where people can come, be fed, relax and enjoy the magic of life together. That's the essence of hospitality to me.