Looking back at blog entries, I noticed that exactly a year ago I was blown away by the concept of Neuroplasticity. This week has been another big epiphany about the power of the mind in responding to situations around us.

Every second Sunday we have been doing this thing called Solace at Tribe. A few of us get there a little early and spend some time meditating and reflecting and realigning ourselves with the 'Jesus way'. This week, Jono and Allyssa shared with us some incredible insights from their own journey out of Jono's chronic pain into absolute health- in terms of physical capabilities, diet and mental strength.

They started off with the concept of 'Editing' and how we all do this, whether subconsciously or consciously, every day. They demonstrated this by getting us to look around the room and pick out all the red objects, then close our eyes and reel them off. We then had to keep our eyes closed and remember all the blue objects. Even though there was a blue object right next to each red one, our brains didn't focus on and remember these items anywhere near as efficiently.

The 'red' objects in our lives can be pain or negative moments or particular struggles that we have going on at the time. For Jono to get better he had to learn to re-edit his day, so that for the first little while he was only able to tell Allyssa about the blue or positive aspects that had happened. As he learned to focus on the positive, his mind began looking for these things and not focusing on the negative as much. Apparently, no one is born an Optimist or Pessimist- we are created or create ourselves this way.

Already this week Dave and I have been practicing this editing concept and it has been so powerful. Usually, when Dave asked me how the day is going, I tended to pull out all the crazy, dramatic things that weren't going to plan. Then at the end of the day, even if 98% of it had been positive, if the last 5 minutes had been crap, it would be the majority of the story I would be re-telling.

The power of language was another insight that was shared. Jono asked what happened if he told us 'don't think about a midget juggling fish'. Immediately, the image invaded our minds. The power of telling ourselves 'not to' focus on something or 'don't behave like that' is actually reinforcing the behaviour we want to avoid.

I have struggled with this for a while but haven't had the understanding to come out of it. When I would feel myself slipping into a dark place or into rage, I would try and tell myself not to go there, but it would do absolutely no good. Even this week, just before Dave left for work he spilt a full cup of coffee all over the bench, all over the dishwasher and down the cupboards and floor. At first I did struggle with feelings of annoyance and frustration, as 'this is not how I was picturing my morning' and 'mornings are hard enough without all of this mess to clean up'. I began to tell myself 'don't go there' but then realised it was the wrong approach. Instead, I began thinking about how Dave had selflessly got up half an hour before me that morning, got the kids up and got them breakfast, made me toast in bed, and had made me a cup of coffee! The gratitude then overwhelmed the frustration and I was able to recover! Sounds like a no-brainer but it really isn't when you are on the edge of that 'losing perspective' precipice.

For Jono it was about telling himself what he wanted, and not in a negative way like 'I want to be pain-free'. He had to instead say 'I want a knee that can move smoothly and that I can walk on'. His mind was then able to channel energy into making that happen, rather than reinforcing the victim mentality that he was at Pain's whim. He had to say 'I'm doing pain' not 'I'm in pain' because he was then owning his part in the situation.

Changing our mindset to focus on the positive thing that we want rather than the negative behaviour or struggle we want to avoid can be so powerful. Just looking at Jono now, running in the gym playing soccer, bouncing off the walls playing with the kids, wrestling his nephews and offering help to whoever is in need, it is incredible to see how far he has come. Less than two years ago he was unable to walk on a hard floor without pain, perched uncomfortably on a chair in the corner with a barely masked agony rippling through his face, unable to type on a computer or play his beloved drums or guitar. What a difference the mind can make...

Already this week I can see so many situations that would have gone differently if I hadn't been at Solace on Sunday. Last night, as I made my way onto the Monash Freeway at 6:45pm I was greeted by a parking lot of cars. I said to the kids, 'We can get angry and frustrated by this situation and lament the fact that it is going to take us a very long time to get home, or we can relax, sit back, turn up the music and enjoy our warm and cosy car!' Despite it taking us over an hour to get home, we had a positive time together and I learned as much as they did! Despite the fact it 'wasn't how I pictured the ride home going', I realised we were so lucky that we had a warm car with plenty of petrol, that the kids had nappies on and I didn't need to go to the toilet (for once!).

I'm really excited by these epiphanies and so pumped that I get to share them with Eli and Hudson and hopefully help them shape really healthy and positive frameworks to view life by. When the mind is as powerful as it is, to be able to channel that power to completely change your situation is incredible. What a privilege that is....

I'm not quite sure why birthdays are often difficult... The week prior to Friday I had spent a lot of time reassuring myself that it would feel like a normal day, that the kids wouldn't magically be perfect and that even if it was hard, Dave would be home around 3pm. It didn't work.

I started off positive, despite Hudson waking up very miserable and crying his way through breakfast, I reassured Dave it would all be fine and booked an appointment at the doctors. We arrived right on time and I was feeling upbeat. Then I was informed that the doctor had only just arrived and there were still three people to be seen before us. Suddenly all my positivity vanished. 'This is not how I pictured spending my 30th birthday!' I thought as I kept hauling myself off the waiting room couch to let a whingey Hudson in and out, and in and out again from the play pen. 

Half an hour later, the first patient had only just exited the room and I was pretty dark. We eventually made it in and found out Hudson has Tonsillitis. We quickly picked up the antibiotics and made our way back home. On the way back Eli started massively cracking it wanting me to stop in the middle of the intersection for an indistinguishable reason. I lost it and by the time we got home the waterworks had started. Eli kept asking me, 'Why are you so sad, mum?'

The day didn't really improve as Hudson woke up from his nap very miserable and both kids decided they needed to spend the rest of the day attached to me. Of course, toddlers don't tolerate rivals lightly and the rest of the day was spent breaking up fights in my lap. By the time Dave got home it was all I could do to stop myself literally hand balling both kids to him. 

We made our way to mum and dad's to drop off the kids for a sleepover, then headed into Doncaster for some downtime before the big dinner. I struggled a little to get out of the negative headspace and felt like I was now missing the part of the day I had been looking forward to for weeks. Dave suggested that I was expecting too much from the moment and to just relax and enjoy the time for what it was. He was right and I had a much better time after that.

The dinner at Mama Manoush was so much fun! I was so happy with the way everyone interacted and that mixing groups didn't prove to be at all awkward. The food was really interesting and having little tastes of everything is exactly the way I love to eat. Dave spiced things up a bit by proposing controversial hypothetical situations, and it just worked really well. 

We had almost convinced ourselves to book a last minute stay in Fitzroy, but then the inconveniences of having no change of clothes or toiletries weighed in. As soon as we curled up in our own bed we were very happy with our decision. Waking up after a leisurely sleep-in and only having to dress ourselves in the morning felt like a massive holiday! We enjoyed a yummy brunch at Four Figs in Beaconsfield and then went to pick up the kids. That feeling of seeing your kids again after a short break is pretty damn special...

Kluska restaurant awaited for a joint celebration of mine and dad's birthdays. The food brought back so many memories of our time in Poland. I had a spicy sausage and cabbage stew and by the end it seemed like we tried at least half the menu offerings! 

Maybe in some ways the hard morning helped me to treasure the anticipated moments more, as, realistically, life is really not that hard anymore with both kids mostly easy to manage (when they have had enough sleep). I definitely learned to relax a little and not expect unrealistic things from big moments and appreciated how a night with friends can really energise and inspire you. Birthdays as a mum are certainly different, but they sure teach you to treasure the special experiences. Three meals out in a row at amazing places felt positively hedonistic! Now to get into the first year of my thirties....

The journey back from 'Survival Mode' is a bit of a tricky one.

Things you could overlook before or give yourself grace for avoiding now form part of a murky grey zone. A few weeks ago, a good day would have included getting up from the couch to stop Eli and Hudson from *really* hurting each other, and making sure they and I had some form of food throughout the day. Now, not quite back to normal but with enough energy to do most things, I have to make sure I'm neither cruising too much or overdoing it. This is not an easy tightrope to tread.

For what seems like a long while, night times have included not much more than crashing into bed after the kids are tucked in and watching Masterchef or The Voice episodes. Last night we had a surprise drop in from our neighbour, Natalie, which led to a lengthy chat at the front door. She had come to see if we had meant to have our garage door wide open for the past few hours! (Whoops!) When we finally said 'good-night' and headed inside, I felt energised and buoyed. Instead of heading straight to bed, I spent some time with Dave updating the Tribe website and Facebook page and was still buzzing by bedtime. It is good to know that when my limited capacity is stretched, it can lead to some good results.

Even now, after putting (and re-putting) both kids down for their naps, and feeling somewhat discouraged by the frustrating process, I glumly opened the computer screen and went to click on a show. Then I remembered the experience last night and decided to blog instead. So far I'm feeling much better than I would have with the first option, despite having to interrupt the typing to go and re-convince Eli it was still time to have a sleep. "But for how many minutes, Mum? One or two or three or four or five?" Try ninety, my friend.

It is interesting to think that we would have been meeting Frankie any day now.  One of my really close friends is about to give birth to her daughter, but the funny thing is that it is more triggering memories of Hudson's difficult birth rather than mourning what would have been. In some ways, the recent intensity of life has left us grateful that we still have 6 months to go before we add a third child into the mix. I think that going through the miscarriage actually allowed me to deal more with the trauma of Hudson's birth and gain confidence that the situation would not be repeated, thanks to my initial debrief with my new obstetrician.

In other ways, it is difficult to feel absolute joy this time around. Some of my naivete has been replaced by the grim reality of what a miracle creating life is and how it cannot be taken for granted. Though I wish I tended more to the appreciative rather than the defeatist perspective. We have started telling people that we are expecting and I realised that I have been almost acting like commiserations are being given rather than congratulations. Dave has noticed that he is only now starting to actually recognise the (joyful) reality of the pregnancy, rather than the 'let's just get through this and hope it isn't for nothing' attitude. It's an attitude I really need to ditch too.

There are so many things that we take for granted in life. Just last night Dave and I got onto a tangent of talking strategies of what we would do if suddenly all the power and water was cut off and we had to go back to absolute basics as a society. It really makes you think how we have so much and life is so much easier than it could be. I don't want to be guilty of living this way, especially in terms of the privilege of being able to raise two children with the expectation of another one on the way. We are truly blessed and (for want of a better word) lucky.

Three years ago our lives were completely turned around by the arrival of one cute and spirited baby boy, Eli Thomas Hughes. He was an amazing sleeper, hit all the milestones right on schedule and gave us a reasonably smooth introduction into parenthood. 

Yesterday, our cheeky boy turned three years old! We had a Planes themed birthday party with family and close friends and it was so much fun. Given my current energy levels, I had decided to keep it pretty simple with the food and decorations, but I was so pleased with how everything came together at the last minute. At Easter time, Mum had planned a Planes themed Easter egg hunt and in the process had hand-painted wings of most of the planes in the movie. After all her hard work (and considering Eli's love of the movie and the figurines) we decided to recycle them as decorations for the party.

For the food we bought savoury hot appetisers from Costco and served alongside homemade sausage and chorizo rolls, cheese platters, fruit platters and dips. The sweets included rocky road, cloud cookies, raspberry and macadamia blondies and blue jelly 'cloud and sky' parfaits. The cake involved a blue and orange coloured ice-cream creation with wafers and honeycomb. Thankfully, no one left hungry!

Dave charismatically led the kids in games like 'Deliver the Parcel', 'Planes Statues', 'Planes Bingo' and 'Pin the Propeller on Dusty'. Eli was exceptional, avoiding tantrums and dutifully giving hugs to all the generous present givers, even waiting for a long time for the parcel to get around to him to open in Deliver the Parcel. 

All in all it was such a fun (but tiring) day! Hudson chose to continue 'celebrating' with us by waking suddenly at 9pm, hysterical and coughing. He strongly resisted being put back to bed and ended up being driven around by Dave for an hour until midnight. In the end, the only way he would sleep was in the pram, and he continued to sleep fitfully for the rest of the night. Dave was amazing, sending me to bed as I had not sat down the whole day and was flagging and nauseous.

The next morning I was awoken by a knock at the door and a glowing green owl clutched in one hand. It was THE morning!! Eli was very excited to received our gifts, particularly the Chuggington set (bought for $5 on eBay!) that we had set up for him in the playroom. It was a struggle getting him to stop playing with the set, even for pancake breakfast! 

Thinking back to last birthday for Eli, where Hudson was soooo grumpy, this time he was absolutely incredible. He adopted Eli's new soccer ball as his own, of course, but was largely content following around the balloons that we had left lying on the floor! We were even treated to special enthusiastic hip dancing during the party and he just loved having everyone around. 

  

As for baby news, well, we had the scan last Monday and everything was fine! There is a tiny jelly bean with arms bobbing around in there and Dave and I both shed a tear of relief at the hope of new life. It has been so much easier mentally for me, knowing that the constant nausea, fatigue and bouts of vomiting are not for nothing. Actually, right as I have hit week 9 I have started feeling a lot better, still constantly nauseous, but not needing to crash right after the kids go to bed and the last time I threw up was Tuesday. This is totally new for me, as usually my worst period is from 10 to 16 weeks. I think it has also helped for me to have something else to plan for and focus on, keeping my mind off how I am feeling and onto what I am doing. Life is good.

Pregnancy is tough. 

I blissfully forget about the reality until I'm smack bang in the middle of it and then all the memories return. The way the most inane of smells can have you reaching for the spew bucket, how you constantly need to graze even though the last thing you feel like doing is eating, how getting up quickly can make everything go black and how your energy is constantly at 'connect your charger'. 

This week has seemed to last forever. My parenting has suffered a major blow as the kids sense weakness and hone in on it like a guided missile. Dave has been amazing though, getting up before me, bringing me breakfast in bed, then wrangling two grumpy and hungry kids for half an hour while I ease into the day.

We also had an amazing time away with Mum, Dad and Hali at Wye River over the weekend. Despite the worst night on record for Hudson's sleeping (think screaming kid from 12:30 to 4:30am in a small three bedroom apartment), we managed to pull it together and enjoy the beach, adventures to Lorne and Apollo Bay, and bouts of Jay's Balls, not to mention World Cup soccer games sprinkled in there. 

Eli absolutely loved it, being of an age where anticipation is a positive quality now and even the simple things awed him. It also helped that he was an incredible sleeper as usual, despite the theatrics going on in our room next door. Aunty Hali played the doting but firm aunt with precision and followed the boys around the playground dutifully, allowing me to have much appreciated breaks.

The first day after we returned was the hardest as it is easy to take for granted having four extra pairs of hands to assist with kids, meals, discipline and playtime. It was a bit of a brutal shock to the system to be doing it solo again really. 

Nevertheless, we made it through, greatly assisted by a prescription for morning sickness tablets from my obstetrician. We are also nervously awaiting the ultrasound booked for Monday, given our last experience with Frankie. Dave will, this time, be coming so we can face whatever happens together. 

One day at a time. Or at least that is how I'm attempting to approach life!

Sometimes it takes a little thing like gastro to change your perspective. 

We found out that we are pregnant a few weeks ago, and the discovery brought mixed feelings. Hope, for the promise of a new life; fear, that we will experience the same loss as last time; and reluctant acceptance that the next few months are going to be tough. 

Pregnancy does not agree well with my body. I have already started feeling nauseous and like cooking is the last thing in the world I would like to do (a far cry from the usual joy that hospitality brings me). Despite crashing into bed around 8pm each night, I spend most of the day looking longingly at a bed or couch, hoping for just a few minutes rest. And, needless to say, my patience levels have not increased. 

And then Dave got gastro. It started with general queasiness on Tuesday night, then progressed to full blown symptoms, and by Friday night he was still under its' painful grip. We both really struggled, and every twinge of queasiness was a dagger- was I getting it too? What would we do with the kids? How on earth are we going to survive this? How the hell is Dave going to find time to do his marking and reports after losing three full days he would have otherwise put to good use?

Thankfully, one silver lining is that Hudson, who had been regularly waking inconsolably through the night due to teething, started sleeping all the way through again. 

And then the storm began to pass and we saw sunlight again. Dave could do more than walk from the bed to the bathroom, and I felt less like a zombie mum staggering from task to task.

Actually, I think the experience has helped us both increase our capacities. I've realized I can do more than I first thought, despite feeling continually off, and Dave is now in high power reports mode. 

We're not taking any chances with the gastro and are still sleeping in separate beds for the time being. Last night Dave crept down to my room to share a thought: "The pain is in the  adjustment of expectations, not the increase in intensity."

It really is all about expectations. This pregnancy I'm thinking less about how long I have to go and more about how far I've already come. And how quickly time goes when your children are growing up. I think I say once a day how Eli is growing up too fast. We have to enjoy this journey, even the discordant notes. I'm sure we will notice later when we look back  how they have been weaved into a majestic melody.