I knew today was doomed from the moment I opened my eyes. That feeling of 'What does today hold? Oh yes, hospital visit.'

Despite the premonition I was actually feeling quite chipper as I strolled into the waiting room. It was as I sat down and realised I had left Hudson's formula in the car that I collapsed mentally- a ten minute walk away. I eyed Hudson and wondered how long it would be before he lost it... I think I still have time, I thought. Then his name was called and I was almost hopeful- perhaps we will be out of here soon! Nope, of course today would be the day that we would be sent to the x-ray department.

After sounding out the x-ray receptionist I decided to make the dash to the car. Of course nature had decided to release her fury at this very moment, so I was running, in slippery boots, in a downpour, with a pram -what could go wrong? I had a few close calls with the boots and it felt like a few kilometres to the car. As I reached the vehicle I searched frantically for the keys... not in the usual pocket...surely they must be? Five minutes later, and quite a few curses later I found them... under Hudson's feet. Grabbing the bottles, I made the frantic run back to the hospital.

Of course, when we finally arrived back, me sweating profusely and majorly agitated, Hudson decided to drink a mere 60ml. Thankfully, the wait for the x-ray was brief and we were soon back to the clinic.

The crazy delay between appointments messed with my mind. 'It's bad' I told myself, 'probably surgery'. Cast for another 6 weeks, inconsolable baby... my life is pretty much over. I may or may not have used the downpour as an excuse to cry on the run to and from the car. Turns out it may be ok, Hudson's hips aren't perfect but within normal range... probably no need for the rhino brace, but no promises yet.

After the recent scare with the cyst/fluid lump in his abdomen, I'm finding it difficult. Seems like I should be expecting the worst or at least the 'definitely not good'. Turns out I don't deal so well when life doesn't go according to plan.

I tried to select photos for his photo book today. Didn't go well. Just looking at the labour and first days' photos made me cry. I think I have a way to go yet in processing the whole birth experience. Might even need some counselling.. not something I ever thought I would admit to. I guess we all need a little help sometimes.

Once a year Dave takes me away on a trip somewhere for my birthday. Those two blissful and peaceful nights away certainly play a big part in allowing me to get through the months of child rearing beforehand. This time, though,the babysitting arrangements were like planning a combat mission and the amount of luggage we had to pack for the kids rivaled the baggage compartment of a jumbo jet.

When we finally went on our way it took a little while to sink in that we were actually doing this! Some part of my mind half expected that we would never make it, that one of the
grandparents would fall ill or we would have a car accident the day before... fatalistic, I know.

The approach to Deloraine Homestead was almost magical. The rambling house was situated on the peak of a rather tall hill, and the slope was populated with a dozen kangaroos hopping gaily in the twilight. We stopped to take photos and the deluge hit! We probably looked a bit like drowned rats as we timidly pushed open the solid wooden door of the homestead. We were met by Peta, our charming and thoughtful hostess who informed us that she had decided to upgrade us to a room with a view!

Upon stepping into the room, we felt as if we were in Italy again. Venetian masks adorned the walls, a Dolce & Gabbana purse on the nightstand and an extravagant collection of designer shoes lining the walls.

Before battling the tumultuous weather again to head out to dinner, we reclined on the plush armchairs beside the fire. We enjoyed a glass of white while reading a dystopian novel (Dave) and a Zumbo cookbook (me).

The Vines at Helen's Hill winery was a little disappointing. Maybe it was the fact that Dave and I had an argument over the use of the word 'agency' or maybe it was the lacklustre food and atmosphere. Either way we were happy to head back to the B&B. We stopped in at a DVD store on the way back and rented 'To Rome with Love' from the very chatty owner.
Upon waking the next morning (7 am, of course, damn that body clock) we followed the appetizing smells coming from the kitchen to a hearty breakfast for two. Bacon, eggs, sausage, mushrooms, toast, and homemade chutney = amazing! Then we made our way to Healesville for our winery tour.

We joined a group of 6 girls (lucky Dave :p) and a polished elder gentleman who reminded me of Richard, the grandfather in the Gilmore Girls. First stop was Domaine Chandon for champagne. Neither Dave or I were quite sure what to expect from the day but we really enjoyed the first real wine tasting at Dominique Portet, a French Bordeaux winery. The guy explaining the wines was passionate and a good storyteller.

Our enthusiasm for the day gradually diminished as we visited more places. Balgownie was next, then Fergussons for lunch. Sadly, neither Dave or I could even manage to finish the wine accompanying our meal. Filled to the brim with wine and good food, we made one more stop, at Train Trak. Besides a rather large moose head, there was little to distinguish this tasting as we were well and truly wined out by this point. Though we did glance wistfully over at Zonzo, the wood fired pizzeria ristorante partnership.

We had high hopes of hanging out in Healesville but turns out drinking wine can be tiring, so we headed back home instead. Pizza was the vote for dinner, so we searched on urban spoon for ideas, then made our order. I love spicy pizza, but the 'hot & spicy' we received was ridiculous. I couldn't even feel my tongue after finishing one piece, so we ended up ditching the pizza and ordering from a rival. My enthusiasm for food was over by that point and we made our way home to crash and watch Friends.

We woke a little seedy, but the caramel banana pancakes helped ease the pain. Lounging until 11am checkout felt a little extravagant, but we managed. We returned to Healesville to do some exploring and sourced a few presents for family at a cute gift shop in town. Despite our feeling that we would never again drink wine, we decided to visit Tokar Estate for a meal. This winery was unashamedly European, just my style. We enjoyed a selection of cheeses, meats, bread and olives, and I even got up the courage to taste their vine specialty.

When we departed for the trip home I think we both felt as if we were ready for life as parents once again.

It is 1:20am and sleep eludes me. Hudson and I were locked in an epic battle of wills regarding use of the dummy and he won. I theoretically admire his strong will, but tonight it is going close to driving me crazy.

Now every time I put my earplugs in I hear phantom cries... a symptom of hearing the real thing so often tonight I guess. He wasn't even getting close to a full sleep cycle by midnight. It sometimes feels as if God has given me Hudson to try and break me. You think you are in control? Here, have a child who will resist your plans. You think you are a good mother? This child will make you question that daily. You think your life is together? Here is a free hand grenade to add to that life.

Don't get me wrong, a lot of the time Hudson is a happy, amazing kid. He will give the world's biggest smiles that even involve his whole tongue. But when he is angry or has it in his mind that he wants something, don't even think about getting in his way.

I'm lying here wasting time and feeling anxious every time I try to relax. Dave had to take the shift and sleep in Hudson's room because I completely cracked it after Hudson woke up for the fifth time for the night and it was only just post midnight. I'm sure this might be just another night for some mothers, but not me. I'm used to 12 hour non interrupted sleeps from my kids. This sucks.

Not sure how to get rid of the panicky feeling. Even praying doesn't seem to be working. Help me get through this please, God. I think you've sufficiently broken me now. I just want to have some sleep.

...

Well, morning came and with it a sense of perspective... that and the five full hours of sleep in a row! The dummy battle, while awful and intense, has (we hope) now concluded... and we are back to full nights' sleeps once again.

In the craziness of the last little while I haven't had a chance to document one of the most amazing experiences yet in our stint of parenthood: Eli turning two!

Birthdays are already pretty exciting to me- I love the planning, the anticipation, the secrecy... and while Eli's first birthday was incredible, the difference in his awareness of the special day made it all the more amazing.

I started the Lightning McQueen cake two nights before. I had a car mould so everything should have gone smoothly... if only I had read the instructions. I began to notice a funny smell emanating from the oven and when I opened the door I saw that the mould had partially collapsed and was tipping the mixture out onto the tray and the oven floor. Dave and I began a rescue mission and managed to salvage part of the mixture from the tray. Half way through cooking I decided to pour in a pack of chocolate chips so that the mixture would fill the mould... needless to say it didn't look great when it came out of the oven!

Thankfully icing covers a multitude of baking sins, and when the cake was complete it bore a partial resemblance to the Cars hero! Being buoyed by the saving of the cake I was suddenly inspired to set and decorate the table for the birthday breakfast.

Dave and I climbed into bed with the anticipation of school children, sleeping fitfully and waking as soon as was advisable given the big plans for the day. We woke up Hudson and crept into Eli's room with a lit candle, singing.

The rest of the morning included pancakes, present opening and playing with the newest additions to the Cars family. We then packed up and left on our zoo adventure!

All the animals seemed to be in performance mode, with the tiger prowling centimeters away from our faces, the monkeys huddling together and the seals doing circles gracefully around underground pool. Eli loved the butterflies and tried so valiantly to stay still so that one would land on him!

Compared to previous parties I scaled back the catering a lot. We had a picnic for nine with tea sandwiches, mini quiches, cocktail frankfurts, bacon and egg cups, traffic light brownies, teddy bear mini cars, fudge and raspberry and lime punch! The kids had a ball playing on the playground and carousel and the weather remained fair.

Family (including housemates) was such a big part of the day, with Hali volunteering to carry around a very grumpy Hudson and Nanny and Pa taking it in turns to settle and feed him. Chase made a special connection with Eli's Nanny and it was so cute watching them walk hand in hand.

The only blemish on the day was my constant watching of Eli limping as he had jumped off the bed the day before and rolled his ankle. Thankfully it was only a sprain and didn't do much to diminish Eli's excitement. We leisurely finished the afternoon at Nan and Pa's and returned home for pizza and birthday cake in front of Cars 2!

It's no secret that Hudson has been a difficult baby. With the stay in special care, the silent reflux, the hip dysplasia and pretty constant whingeing we have been challenged at every turn as to what we thought parenthood would be for baby number 2.

At the moment I'm struggling the most with the assault on my expectations. Last time around it went so smoothly in the sense that Eli had no major health issues and thrived on developmental challenges. Eli was six months around Christmas and I remember it almost as slow motion film footage with family around and Eli saying new sounds and learning new things daily... apart from the pervasive teething rash at the same time. I know the difficult things fade in hindsight but right now it is just really tough.

Yesterday it was all about the brace. I thought if I could just take the brace off he would turn into a happy baby. Then we took the brace off and little changed. It's almost worse now because at least before I had something to blame it on. I know this is as much about me as it is about him, but that doesn't change my outlook.

I feel like he takes one look at me and starts crying. I shouldn't take it personally but that sucks. Dave is great with him, so is everyone else it seems, but his mother has failed. To cope I try to block out his crying but that just makes it worse. Right now I'm trying to feed him dinner but he is just crying as soon as he finishes swallowing.

Today I searched 'dealing with a difficult baby' on Google. I found that difficult babies can make great children and that really my experience of difficult is not that bad... at least he sleeps reasonably well. The issue is that I can rationally tell myself these things but emotionally all he has to do is cry as soon as I look at him and I'm back to square one.

I'm not quite sure how to fix this one, but in the meantime at least I have a supportive husband and housemates to take over when things get too tough...

There is a fellow mum on Facebook whose posts really irk me. It seems as if nothing can go wrong for her and even if it does, she just floats on a cloud of dreams right above it all.

Last week I was sermonising to Hali that if someone bothers you, it usually says more about an insecurity in yourself rather than an accurate depiction of who they are. Funny how easy it is to see the plank in someone else's eye... I needed to take some of my own advice.

I know that I don't like looking incompetent or like life is ever hard, but I didn't realise how it would affect my relationships. Recently I've been meeting up for coffee with my best friend and I've only just got up the courage to share my struggles in one particular area after 8.5 years. In my conversation with her I probably cried for half of the time but the feeling of freedom when I sat broken and exposed was actually amazing. Since then I have also opened up to my housemate and found that the honesty and vulnerability has been invaluable for our friendship.

It goes against every grain to expose your deepest fears and struggles, but the battle to pretend perfection is far more exhausting, lonely and annoying than I realised it would be. Here's to being an honest, flawed and hopeful human being!

We borrowed a book from the library for Eli called "I've lost my kisses" and that concept seems to ring true for me now, if you only change 'kisses' for 'words'.

I'm not even sure what I am avoiding but anytime I get a chance to think by myself, I run. Candy Crush Saga, The Block, Masterchef, wine, you name it- all of the above have kept me distracted so I don't have to process what is really going on.

I thrive on looking like the perfect person... I can handle anything, is the image I want people to take away with them when they meet me. But I'm not really coping. I'm not even sure why... Dave and I have discussed it a little, and it's not the tasks per se, but something deeper.

We have tried to set up our lives so I can take care of the family while Dave is released to help others, and for a while that was ok. But lately I have been grudging in my release and building up resentment towards Dave. Even when he was sick with the flu he went out to two Debutante balls for his students, which is admirable but I resented him for it.

Yesterday with both of us tired and sick and just over it, neither was at a point to play the strong one anymore. I exploded 'I just can't carry you at the moment'. And whether justified or not, that is how I have been feeling. That I have to carry the family while Dave is out, then carry him when he gets home because his helping people has left him exhausted. I would love to be strong enough to do that but the cracks are showing. And I'm afraid if this goes on any longer I might break.

I really want to live by values and not waste my life. I don't want to be weak or not cope with what I see as simple tasks of life. But the pressure of raising young kids and being Jesus to other people is so hard. I know I need to learn how to incorporate the two, but that is also escaping me at the moment.

Jesus please help me to do this life for you. I need all the help I can get.