Looking back two years ago, we were completely different people. I was very much under the illusion that I had complete control over my life and my offspring, I thought I was great at handling motherhood and was really just a touch naive about life. Then Hudson Patrick Hughes entered the scene and changed our perspective forever! A peek through some of the earlier entries of this blog will confirm that the first year was no picnic and it stretched me in ways I didn't even know I could be stretched, but we got through it somehow in one piece!

Hudson's second year of life has been a whole different story. He has accomplished so much- learning to walk, talk, joke, wrestle, dance and sing. His sweet and sensitive personality has emerged, and his cheekiness knows no bounds! 'Lub you, mummy' makes my heart melt, and the way he tilts his head to the side asking if I'm 'OK mummy?' is just incredible! He is so, so different to Eli and I love watching their relationship and friendship develop. He loves his brother and constantly reaches his chubby hands towards him, looking for cuddles or wrestles. He is also a bit of an operator already, seemingly unfazed when we growl at him for disobeying and trying out a sweet, tilted head 'peek a boo' or something similarly cheeky to derail our authoritative spiel.

I had been hoping to have Hudson's second birthday party at Civic Park in Warragul for a while now, and had planned a Dinosaur Carnivore theme. The morning was perfect and we had the park almost completely to ourselves as we set up the undercover picnic area to theme. We had lugged our new transportable BBQ grill to the park and commenced with the preparations- bacon and egg rolls, Jerk prawn skewers, chicken and feta meatballs, chicken fajitas and sausages. 

Hudson and Eli began really enjoying themselves as soon as family began to arrive, playing funny games with Pa and their cousins. Hudson got his own laptop computer to go with his phone and has hardly put either down since! Grandma and Grandpa very  thoughtfully arranged for some little presents for Eli too, which made him feel included and special despite it being Hudson's day. 

The food worked out really well, probably the first party we haven't overcatered for... And the dinosaur cupcake birthday cake was easy to transport and effective. The family really got into the part and helped out heaps, bringing Jurassic Juice, Ice Age Water and Prehistoric Punch; Dinosaur Egg brioche buns and Lava Cakes. 

I loved watching Hudson intact with our extended family. He adores his big cousin Isaac and the two are very similar. One of his presents this year was an electronic drum set after he had taken to Isaac's so  enthusiastically on Christmas Day. Pa was also incredible with Hudson, showing him every button on the new lap top and patiently following him around the playground and park. 

 

I've said often to Dave, 'if only I knew how awesome Hudson would turn out it would have made that first year a hell of a lot easier to cope...' But that is part of the mystery of parenthood. We can never see the complete picture of who our children will come to be, but that shouldn't stop us giving it our all in the meantime. I'm so proud of you, Hudson, you have already taught me so much in your brief life and I wouldn't change a thing about our difficult first year because it has made us both who we are today. I'm so excited to see the person and character that you develop into. I know it will be amazing!

I think we peaked a little early for Christmas this year! Tree up in November, Christmas playlists on repeat prior to that and light display tours completed in early December. Due to our weekend away plans, I rushed to finish the fudge/rum ball/rocky road goodie jars for the neighbours, so by the time Christmas rolled around we weren't even turning on the tree and house fairy lights anymore! 

That isn't to say we didn't have some memorable moments. We had an awesome time at the Road to  Bethlehem production with family from both sides, though Hudson found the stern Roman guards a little too realistic, prompting them to come out of character and reassure him they were really just nice people in costume! 

We had initially planned to have a Christmas Eve slumber party at Mum and Dad's new three story apartment, but the lack of beds and bedrooms and the thought of already hyped kids not sleeping made us reconsider. We hosted the dinner at our place and it was really fun! As usual, the spread from the family was incredible, with turkey, roast vegetables, apricot and chicken salad; beetroot, roast pumpkin and feta salad; Moroccan couscous salad, garlic bread and ham. I was ordered out of the kitchen on many occasions by Mum and Hali and forced to relax on the chair and watch (not my forte by any means!)

The kids did really well with the chaos and craziness of Christmas. They both got to open one present before dinner and I suspect they would have been satisfied with that gift, particularly Eli who had been saving up for Cabbie from Planes Fire & Rescue for a few months now. After dinner we gathered around to open the presents together and there were many presents for the new baby which was a little exciting for me! Hudson was in his element pick pocketing unsuspecting Uncle Artur's iphone, and doing crazy laps of the living room. The rest of the night was filled with games, pudding, laughter, carols mocking and reminiscing. 

Loren and Artur crashed at our place and we awoke the next morning probably more excited than the kids! We broke the golden rule of never waking a sleeping child and brought Eli and Hudson into our room for opening stockings. Ever since our weekend away, Dave had been hanging out to give the remote control helicopter to Eli. We spent the morning immersed in the organized chaos of discarded wrapping and new toys before heading to bring at Mum and Dad's. 

 

Brunch was beautifully put together, with Bircher muesli, Burek, pancakes, berries, summer fruit and the last of the freshly squeezed orange juice from the Tinarra Court fruit trees. It was very refreshing having a meal that didn't focus on presents to start off Christmas Day. After an excursion to visit the ducks at the nearby lake, we all piled into the car to head off to lunch. 

Pat and John always put on an amazing spread of a traditional hot Christmas lunch. The rapidly growing family only just fit around the long table with the help of no less than four high chairs! Present time went smoothly after lunch and Eli and Hudson had heaps of fun with cousin Isaac playing on his electronic drum set. After sampling Kelly's baked goods all afternoon, we barely had enough room to fit in the cold meat and salad dinner and following desserts. Eli and Hudson were struggling by this point and being very wingey and trying, so we eventually gave up and headed home for much needed bed time.

All in all, through the exhaustion of third trimester pregnancy and the fragile emotions of overstimulated children, we had a meaningful, memorable and enjoyable Christmas. Hard to believe that for the next one we will have an 11 month old in tow as well!

In January 2015, Dave and I will have been married for a decade! Given that we have a few other engagements in the new year and I'll closely resemble a whale, we decided to steal away for two nights in the city before Christmas to celebrate the momentous occasion!

Surprisingly, the usual bout of anti-anticipation didn't strike during the day on Friday and I was able to genuinely enjoy and appreciate each moment with the kids, knowing that I would madly miss them as soon as we waved good bye. 

All we really had nailed down was the location of the accommodation and two free gold class tickets, so we used the trip into the city to plot our path and plan the festivities. We soon arrived in North Melbourne and found our way to the charming little apartment with a beautiful garden courtyard resplendent with blooming lilies and hydrangeas. 

 

Having a slight obsession with African food and finding a voucher in the Entertainment book, we decided to head to Nyala Africa in Fitzroy for dinner. The night was very warm and as we stepped into the dining room with its whirling wooden ceiling fans and exposed beams, we suddenly felt as if we had teleported to Africa. The smorgasboard of curries were amazing and I finally got to try Injera flat bread and sample some Ethiopian Shiraz. Dave and I both acknowledge our lack when it comes to engaging in riveting dinner conversation together, however this meal we managed to have a lively discussion on many topics including philosophy, religion, Tribe, work, parenting and sex!

We are not party animals by any means and took the opportunity to head home for a reasonable night's sleep and Dave taught me how to play Vain Glory, an iPad game he has been enjoying for a while. Alas, our body clocks remained set for a 7am wake up, but the absolute luxury of being able to just lie in bed and not have to rush around plonking weet bix into bowls was enough to make us feel like kings. The day was also made extra special by the fact it was Dave's 32nd birthday!

Di Bella Coffee came recommended by our hosts, so we strolled over and Dave ordered a coffee. I held out for a cherry danish at Crumbs, a cute bakery in the next street. Next stop was the Queen Victoria Market to find some presents for Eli and Hudson, sample some burek and bratwurst, and wander around the deli section with the delight of a child on Christmas morning!

Turns out walking and shopping at 33 weeks pregnant is a bit tiring, so we crashed at the apartment for a bit before heading out to our Gold Class session of The Hunger Games:  Mockingjay. The experience was very relaxing and luxurious but our enjoyment of the food was definitely not proportionate to the price tag! Two fish tacos for $18.00 is not exactly what you would call 'good value'. Going out to the movies is not something we regularly indulge in, though, so we appreciated the experience that much more. 

After Dave's birthday dinner of choice- noodles- we set the GPS to take us to the Sidney Myer Music Bowl for the free opera performance being held there. Unfortunately, half way into the City link tunnel (and apparently underground the venue), the voice told us we had arrived. Very helpful. We almost gave up at that point, deciding to find a different spot to enjoy our deli samples from the market, but we ended up driving past the arena on the way and found a semi decent carpark. I was a bit daunted by the walk, so we settled on a park bench and tucked into the fresh fruit, babaganoush, ciabatta and prima donna cheese. A few minutes later, who should walk past but my parents! They convinced us to make the trek and we spent an enjoyable evening reclining on a blanket, staring into the twilight sky, listening to the flawless voices blending into the night. Well, I did anyway, Dave preferred to use the performance as an epic soundtrack to his Simone Weil book!

On the way back we stopped for (very expensive) salted caramel and peanut butter chocolate ice cream from a place in Lygon Street. Dave finished watching 'Snowpiercer' and we crashed for the night.

Beanhunter told us that good coffee could be found at Twenty and Six, so we proceeded there for brunch.

We hit the markets one more time and found food stalls galore and a remote control helicopter that Dave may well be more excited about than the kids! After heading through the deli section one more time and armed with a spinach and cheese gozleme, we stumbled upon a busking Spanish quintet playing music that it was impossible not to at least tap your foot to. Before long, a large group had gathered and a few free spirits had broken into dance in the crowd! I'm such a sucker for things like this and it became one of my highlights of the weekend.

On our way back, we snagged some bargains for Dave at DFO and remembered how exhausting clothes shopping is. Our final stop was Savers, though it was comforting to realise I now actually enjoy going there more with the kids! Previously I had thought 'if only I could just come back by myself...' but found myself drifting back towards the kids clothes and toys when I had the choice to go anywhere. 

We were very eager to be reunited with Eli and Hudson and that moment when you first walk in and see the absolute joy on their faces is priceless! They both seemed older despite a mere 48 hours passing, and we enjoyed hearing their stories of their time at both grandparents houses. 

Through the weekend, Dave and I had so many good chats about life, philosophy and perspective. We missed the kids heaps but it gave us more appreciation for life as it is everyday, despite the constant intensity. While a weekend like this is amazing, we didn't feel the need to 'escape' our normal lives and reluctantly return to the 'duty' of parenting. We had so much fun hanging out together, though, and the time away has enriched our relationship noticeably. Here's to an incredible first decade together, and the to hope of many more!

On Friday I think I pretty much hit one of my lowest points of motherhood/life. Looking back, I can't even say that the kids were doing anything that crazy or out of the ordinary.... but something in me just snapped and it was like that moment where you go out onto the top of a mountain somewhere and scream like no one can hear you... except my audience was two sets of shocked little ears and probably the entire neighbourhood.

I guess you could say my emotional and physical energy was low, and that we had just experienced a long two week stint without any real family together time, and were just about to head into another weekend that promised to be massive - with big events hosted by our family on both Saturday and Sunday. Not to mention the fact that I had been having some tiring and daily battles with Eli as he either lost it over (what I saw as) a trivial issue or consistently ignored my attempts to communicate with him.

The constant realisations about my fallibility haven't exactly made it easy either. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way, but discovering unpleasant facts about the way you process things and your shadow self is actually pretty exhausting. In some ways its like having everything bull dozed to make way for a new 'building', but in the phase before the new slab gets laid, it just looks like a heap of rubble.

After my screaming episode, it just seemed to unleash a torrent of uncontrollable tears. Eli sat on the bed beside me, stroking my hair and whispering reassuring things into my ear. It was very sweet. Hudson just sat on the floor of the bedroom wailing along with me. After a text to Dave that I was 'one step away from the psych ward', he responded by saying he had arranged for his mum to come over and pick up the pieces. Despite feeling very comfortable with my amazing mother-in-law, it took all my efforts not to immediately go and clean the bombshell that was my house, and dash to the bathroom to put on some concealer. While I resisted the efforts of concealment, it was revealing to realise how much I cared about how I was seen in the eyes of others. Even when having my biggest meltdown, I wanted to come across as normal, put together and not the half crazed lunatic that I felt like.

Pat was amazing. She took one look at me, ordered me into the shower and corralled the kids into the living room to watch Playschool. After the hot burst of water and getting out of my pajamas, I did feel as if I was more able to face the day. She drove us all back to her house and made us snacks and cups of tea, and then took Eli on an excursion to watch one of his cousins in a school race so that I could have a nap while Hudson was down.

I really hate 'not coping' but more than that, I probably hate being seen as someone who is 'not coping'. Even after a relaxing weekend (following the cancelling of the Tribe Thanksgiving Feast) and start to the week (thanks to support and company from Mum and Pat), I still found myself struggling today. When other people aren't around, I start to survey the 'rubble' of my life and it is pretty depressing. I have nothing anymore from which to draw artificial worth and it is bloody hard. I ended up waving the white flag of surrender/red flag of frustration and Dave decided to take the day off work to pick up the pieces. I hate being rescued, but it was comforting all the same. Pat met us at the library and took us to morning tea afterwards, and it was very reassuring having her to bounce things off with the way I'm feeling at the moment. Though it is a bit hard to stop the tears whenever I try and talk about anything remotely meaningful.

I do try to see the silver lining in whatever struggle I'm going through, but I'm finding this one a bit hard. It is hard for me at the best of times to look beyond the moment to the future, unless I'm catastrophising, and this is not exactly the best of times. What I do know to be true is this: I have an amazing husband, two spirited and incredible boys (and a girl less than two months away), a rich support structure of family and friends. I do need rescuing sometimes, and that is OK. I am not going to be able to be 'the coper' all the time, and that is also OK. My house is going to always have something else that needs to be done, and that is normal. My kids are going to fight and crack it over silly things and that is unavoidable. My energy (particularly at the moment) is limited and I need to spend it on things that matter- not picking up random things from the ground all the time and making sure all the toys are in their right box throughout the day. I'm a screwed up, irrational, emotional, tunnel-visioned and selfish human being... in desperate need of redemption and hope. Please help me? Amen.