Lately it feels like the life lessons are coming thick and fast. Like someone is perpetually holding up a life size mirror exposing all the uncomfortable truths I've tried to hide from without even realising it. 

A number of things have been converging to result in this situation. Firstly, the Inside Out series we have been going through at Tribe with its focus on neuroplasticity and rewiring our brains; then there's the Richard Rohr book "Falling Upward" that is blowing my mind with its insights and the timeliness of its advice every time I pick it up. More generally in life there have been situations that have provoked a strong emotional response and I've had to analyse why I have reacted so vehemently .... I guess it isn't surprising that all this has produced a heady cocktail of self-analysis!

Rohr has introduced the concept to me of a 'persona' and 'shadow self' which has revolutionised my thinking. He says that the 'persona' is the stage mask you diligently construct in the first half of your life and try desperately to live up to. The 'shadow (real) self' then is 'what you refuse to see about yourself, and what you do not want others to see'. In order to transition to the 'second stage' of life you have to let go of your persona and live more and more out of your shadow self. If you choose to hold onto the persona ('what most people want from you and reward you for, and what you choose to identify with') you will end up becoming 'imprisoned within yourself'. Ultimately, we can try then to see beyond even our own shadow then to our "True Self' which is 'who you are "hidden [with Christ] in God"'.

This may all just sound like a bunch of weird concepts, but I have found it amazing in articulating exactly what I'm working through right now- trying to let go of caring so much about what others think about me, letting myself be seen to be struggling (rather than running away or retreating to keep my 'in control'/'perfect mother' persona intact), not punishing myself for 'failing' with the kids, and taking responsibility for my own faith journey and not just being a parasite on Dave's!

Earlier in the week we had a really hard day, and I think the reason was that the realisations I had last week regarding pouring myself into tangible goals so I could still feel as if I was succeeding as a mother, meant that I couldn't even fall back on my usual 'crutches' in making myself feel validated again. From my usual framework, I achieved a lot (in terms of washing, cleaning and baking), but the relational failings really hit me this time. I cracked it at Eli for overreacting to Hudson and pushing him into a door frame, but could see the hypocrisy of myself losing it (overreacting) at the same time. Having these insights, however, didn't fill me with joy at the exposure of the game but caused great sadness and despair at my persistent lack. The next night I read "there will always be some degree of sadness, humiliation, and disappointment resulting from shadow work, so it's best to learn to recognize it and not obsess over it. It is the false self that is sad and humbled, because its game is over." I love that Rohr gives me a framework to understand and make sense of this part of the journey!

Another of Rohr's insights is that the shadow self is at play every time one has a strong emotional response to something. Either I am a very emotional person, or my persona is in the process of completely falling to bits! Now I have been asking myself what the root cause of the reaction is, and usually it is related to my attempts (and failure) to control or a reaction to others being seemingly unencumbered by others' view of them. Rohr says that he prays for at least one good  disappointment or humiliation a day so as to keep the shadow self firmly in view and to keep him humble. Motherhood definitely provides that quota!

Anyway, the positive side of all of this is that I have been able to recover more quickly from brain snaps and poor parenting decisions and hopefully be a very real example to the kids of facing your faults and weaknesses head on instead of burying them and suffering anxiety as a result. 

Also, as I look back through photos of the past few weeks, these internal struggles aren't what shines through, but the positive and meaningful moments of connection with Dave, Eli and Hudson. We have gone on numerous trips to Savers, baked together, set up our Christmas tree, listened to Christmas carols non stop, I've watched the boys have countless cute conversations, they have made up games together, and Dave and I have started playing a computer game together again as well!

Mum and Dad have just moved out of our family home of 24 years and the process has brought up some good memories of our time spent there. Their new house and proximal walking distance location to parks and shops is incredible, too, which makes me so excited as to the memories we will create there! 

Life is far more than the sum of struggling moments. Even if they seem to stand out like a black stain on a white dress. Meaningful connections, being vulnerable, saying sorry, creating memories, sharing experiences- this is the messiness that makes our reality so worth living.

All through life, whether at school, university or work, I have been trained to expect feedback and to hope for positive affirmation of a task well done. 

At school the validation of my teachers and peers was very important and I would look forward to the annual Presentation Night, hoping that I had won as many accolades as possible and hoping to score the prestigious Academic Excellence award. In year 9 I had a wayward year, spending my energy chasing boys and popularity rather than focusing on my studies and I clearly remember the feeling of acute disappointment on the awards evening as I walked away with very little. In that moment I resolved that I would return my attentions to study first, and any flirtations would simply have to play second fiddle. 

My identity became closely linked with academic performance and I chose to pursue a career in law rather than the teacher I had often said I would be. When I got to university, however, I soon realized I was in the middle of the pile of a very clever group of people and had to spend a number of years working out the system and deciphering what the lecturers and examiners were looking for before eventually being able to graduate with Honors.

I was lucky enough to find a job as a lawyer in a department with a very affirming and supportive boss, though one who was not shy in telling me that he also had high expectations. He was very good at articulating how I could improve and meet these expectations, however, so I thrived under the pressure and affirmation. 

Now, as a full time mother, my 'clients' (or bosses) are very inconsistent in their expectations, vocal in their unrealistic needs and not shy about sharing their preference for the parent who isn't at home with them 24/7. There are no clear Key Performance Indicators and only vague glimpses of any measure of success. There are always persistent reminders of failure in the form of mess, 'to do' items that keep getting 'snoozed', face-palm moments of hypocrisy as you see yourself cracking it at the kids telling them to stop cracking it, and regretted discipline decisions. 

To compensate for this lack of clarity, I have been pouring myself into things that can be measured: creating great menu plans for weekly meals, keeping on top of the washing so no laundry hamper ever gets too full, containing all mess to the play room, baking often and arranging epic kids' parties to celebrate the passing of another year. Not that I don't enjoy or feel satisfaction in completing these activities, but more realistically, it is one of the only solid ways I have found to measure my 'worth' as a mother.

As a mother you are kind of screwed. You deeply care about your kids' development and character, but you can't allow their achievements or failures to define your identity. The former leads to unhealthy attachment, the latter potentially to some form of disassociation or distancing yourself emotionally from them. You also have a house to run, but if you pour the majority of your time into cleaning and maintaining, the kids can become another obstacle to your goal of a well kept abode. I am yet to find a healthy balance to these conundrums. 

I didn't even realize how much all this was affecting me until recently. I could see vague symptoms, the urgent drive to keep the house clean and the need to self-medicate at times to avoid intense introspection, but it wasn't until Dave brought it up that I allowed myself to admit the true weight of the burden. A creature built on affirmation, now in a perpetual role that provides almost none. In some ways I feel like I should have seen it coming, but some things are only really obvious in hindsight. 

With the tears and admissions came relief and clarity. I could go back to work if I wanted to, but I don't think that provides any real answers to my existential crisis. It would provide me with an outlet to feel affirmed and validated, but still only mask my core soul need of freeing myself from the bounds of needing that quantifiable encouragement to prop up my identity. 'If you weren't a teacher, you didn't have Tribe and you were not doing a PhD, where would you get your worth from?' I asked Dave. He replied: 'From self mastery of desires and the cultivation of character'. He's definitely further along in this journey of self discovery than I am! 

I've been reading a book that I would normally turn my nose up at in favour of a good old fantasy epic or detective novel. It's called 'Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life'. The premise is that there are two stages of life open to us- the first 'creation of identity' stage where we strive to work out who we are, and the second phase which only some achieve in which the mysteries of suffering, loss, challenges and mistakes are understood and appreciated as creating meaningful life. The author, Richard Rohr, speaks of spirituality as being enriched more when we do wrong than when we do right if we can bravely face our faults and mistakes and allow them to humble us. The words seemed to leap from the page even as I could barely see them through my tears. I have so much to learn and understand about life and myself, but facing my fears and failings ended up being freeing and exhilarating. 

I know that this will be a long and difficult journey, one in which I will no doubt make countless mistakes and errors, but I think I am beginning to understand that it is in these moments that I actually learn the most. Instead of fearing failure and trying to avoid it at all costs, I have no need to run from it any more. That is far more powerful than the fleeting boost of confidence even the most encouraging affirmation can provide.

It is a real shame that lessons learned do not automatically stick with you in the form of magically changed behaviour. This week I had to 're-learn' why some things are so important- in particular, how much I need relationships and that being stubborn and 'self-sufficient' does not lead to positive emotional outcomes for me or my family.

We just lost some really good friends. Well, they moved to America but in some ways it feels as if they are gone forever, a whole world away. It wasn't a surprise that they were going, but its funny how the loss hits you emotionally like a ton of bricks, even when you feel as if you had processed it well mentally. Last Sunday at Tribe was the first one without Alex and Monica and I wasn't prepared for how it would make me feel. I found it hard to view many things positively and felt on the verge of tears often. Eli was also struggling to process the loss of his best friend, Chase, and I probably took on more than I should in empathising with his emotional state. The old fear of 'how is Tribe going to survive without them' kept repeating itself as an anxious war drum in my mind, and my response was to withdraw, both in my interactions and then in the form of leaving earlier than normal with the kids.

The theme of isolation continued into the week, with my usual routine of heading to both sets of parents for a day falling through. Instead of embracing the challenge and looking for new opportunities to connect, I chose to burrow in at home, losing a bit of perspective in the process. By Thursday afternoon, my emotional state was pretty dark and my 'editing' of the week was more of a tumultuous post-apocalyptic saga than happy family movie. The thought of getting back out and heading off to House Church was not on my list of things to look forward to. Man, am I glad that I went though!

Even the trip over to Allie's house helped in altering my perspective. A quiet car, space to think and process the highs and lows of the week. By the time I arrived, I was looking forward to the challenge of realigning my actions with the values I supposedly ascribed to. At the moment, at Tribe, we are doing a series based in neuroplasticity and how we can rewire our brains to replace unhealthy habits and create better relationships in the process. It has been one of the most challenging and practical series to date for me, and I have done a lot of analysing of my reactions and habits as a result. One of the most helpful things in the series is how it highlights the importance of authentic community and relationships in assisting us to change our habits. If we are not willing to be vulnerable and accountable to those around us, the process is so much harder. After leaving the house under a stormy cloud and probably bracing for an impending downpour, Dave was very relieved to receive me home instead spouting acquired insights and hopes of changing practices. He puts up with a lot sometimes!

I'm realising more about my triggers and 'tells' that happen before an outburst of frustration- in particular, when my response to a situation is to release an expletive or three. The reminder that anger can often be in response to an unspoken attitude that I am 'entitled' in some way to 'good behaviour' or a pre-determined amount of sleep from my toddler, which is- let's be honest- completely unrealistic! Gratitude as the anti-dote to anger has been another weapon in my arsenal this week, and one that needs practice to become commonplace... I'm also resolving not to play the 'grumpy wife' and let things slide as soon as Dave steps through the door. Can't be that fun to know that you might have to brace against stormy weather in the place that is actually meant to be a haven and refuge.

I've also noticed myself saying "But I'm not good at..." a lot this week. Things like initiating catch ups or heading out on spontaneous adventures definitely aren't my strengths but that  doesn't mean I can't push against the initial wave of discomfort and have a go.

Whether it was changed perspective or changed circumstance, Tribe today seemed to be poles apart from last week. I could see everyone pulling together, seamlessly interacting and chatting, new faces and the possibility of new relationships, children shrieking in delight and running around playing games together, an amazing array of delicious food carefully prepared by so many different hands, people initiating ideas for living more simply and hope for a community filled already with so many precious people. My anchor belongs firmly here- with those who know my weaknesses and love me in spite of these quirks. Here's hoping I don't have to learn that lesson again too soon.

If there is a video playback in heaven of our lives, I really hope I don't have to watch today's reel. 

We launched into the new term better than expected yesterday- kids behaved well, the new chart system with monetary rewards seems to be motivating both Eli and I, and there was nothing too difficult to overcome in the course of the day. 

And then today happened. I packed the kids into the car to go to the library and noticed as I was getting in that the front tire was pretty flat. "No problem", I thought, "I think I remember how to put air in a tire, I'll just do it on the way." We pulled into the petrol station and located the air. I opened both windows so the kids could talk to me if necessary. Then I looked to see what pressure to fill the tires... and couldn't find it anywhere. Whilst frantically opening car doors and scanning labels, I hear "Ooh, I need to go to the toilet" closely followed by "I've done a wee in my undies!" 

I yanked Eli out of the car to use the travel potty but it was too late. As he's been very reliable lately with the toilet, I haven't had to be as vigilant with spare clothes, so of course had none to change him into! I had to strap him back in the seat sans clothing and attempt to do the air again. Of course, after this saga, stress levels were at an all time high for both parties. My less than calm response and lamenting the fact that I had repeatedly asked him less than ten minutes ago if he needed to use the toilet also didn't help. I still couldn't find the information about the air anywhere.

After a few frantic and unanswered phone calls to Dave, and finally finding the car manual, I hooked up the air... and couldn't for the life of me make it work. I heard hissing and felt air blowing everywhere but into the tire. The background was now filled with mournful howls from the backseat as I swore like a sailor (in a semi-whisper), telling the kids to just wait as I tried to figure this all out. "Mum, I'm a bit scary!", wailed Eli. "Mummy! Mummy!" went the repetitive screech from Hudson. Finally I figured it out and we high tailed it out of there as fast as legally possible. 

While the rest of the day hasn't quite hit the same dramatic lows, I have found it difficult to recover. We eventually made it to the library, after a detour back home to get new clothes, but as soon as we got home it felt like my patience was hanging by a thread, and any slightly mischievous or frustrating behavior just set me off again. 

At every new failing and outburst I feel more like burying my head in the sand. Apologizing for my mistakes starts to sound very hollow when those mistakes are seemingly on repeat. The very last thing I wanted to do was gaze into the looking glass of the recent past and evaluate it. I despise the 'me' I uncovered today- a short-tempered, tight-fisted, emotional basket case incapable of dealing with any curve ball thrown her way. Thankfully the days I exhibit this level of behavior are few and far between but it doesn't make it any less confronting when it happens to rear its ugly head.

I guess it also doesn't help that at the moment I've been struggling with a pregnancy-related health condition that is a bit too delicate to mention, but that insists on pervading my every thought with its discomfort and pain. Having had this slight glimpse, I can't even imagine how women with significant, ongoing health issues survive as mothers. I have a very long way to go on this journey. 

Motherhood is bloody hard at times, particularly when things aren't going to plan or if there are underlying issues that sap patience and perspective. But even now, taking a moment to write it all down, facing up to the ugly reality of disappointment in yourself is surprisingly far easier than squashing it down beneath distractions or drowning the discomfort in alcohol/self-medication of choice. Who would have thought? 

In the midst of it all, though, I still tried bandaid approaches to regain my self-esteem. First I tried experience: "Who wants chicken nuggets?!" I even strayed from the loose change menu for my own burger choice, hoping the special lunch would lift my spirits. It didn't really help. I just had three pairs of hungry eyes looking at me when I finally got the chance to eat the now soggy burger at home. 

Then I decided to try baking. "Doing something worthwhile and productive always cheers me up", I thought. While the chocolate chip cookies came out fine, the chaos of baking with kids was not really within my coping limits and the resultant batter smears and flour-stained floor did little to make me feel worthwhile and conquering again. 

I spent longer than usual putting Eli to bed tonight. We lay on the bed chatting way past bedtime and it was pretty special. By the end of the day I now see this span of time as a success, despite my failings, because of the way we were able to process and respond to the detours. For Eli, his memories of today will be paying for a Planes iPad game with his own (earned) money, going through a photo album of him as a baby and spending time talking with Mummy about whatever he wanted. 

I guess anything can be redeemable if you are willing to face the ugly head on and process it... At least that is the lesson I will try to take away from today.

I'm not sure why 'control' is such a big deal for me... Objectively, I know that I am but one tiny part of a massive world and the appearance of control is often more of an illusion.... But still I fall for it, over and over. 

Having kids really challenges that perception of control. Hudson came down with something in the last few days and was absolutely miserable. Breathing rapidly, super lethargic, moaning in his sleep, waking frequently. We are still not even sure what he had but he seems to be mostly back to normal now. 

Not knowing what was going on with him was hard. At the same time, Eli had a wound in his foot and around 10 splinters to be removed, and he was not amenable to me even talking about them, let alone touching them! His hysteria at the perceived pain was tough to handle, and I am not very creative at dealing with opposition. Let's just say my approach starts off with reasoning, then, if that doesn't work- anger. Yes, not a great solution, I know. 

While we got there in the end, the unsettled feeling of not being in control really unnerved me. In the midst of this, Dave had a meeting with a Campus Principal of another school to discuss potential partnerships and job opportunities. Even though it was actually a couple of hours, it felt like forever. Hudson was sleeping very fitfully and Eli not coping well with me having to go and continually resettle him. I ended up snapping at Eli and ordering him to bed. I relented a little and said he could read in his room, but ten mins later, to my surprise, he had tucked every toy he owned into bed and was curled up next to them fast asleep. I hope that picture of him will stay with me forever.

I read a challenging article about how we are over-protecting our kids. Eli went for a sleep over at his best friend's house on Sunday night and I really struggled letting him go. When I told him that I would miss him, he looked at me gravely and said "I'll be really quick, Mum. I'll eat my breakfast quickly and be back soon." It is so damn hard to let go even for things that seem innocuous and non-threatening, how crazy hard is it going to be when you know they are heading into real danger? I agree in principle about not wrapping kids in cotton wool, but finding it very hard in reality, particularly in light of my tendency towards control. 

Parenthood continually and gradually challenges every perception you have of yourself. I really couldn't imagine life without Eli and Hudson. They both drive me crazy at times, but overwhelmingly make life so worth living. Time is already going so quickly, it is good to be reminded of that perspective...even if it feels like your heart is continually being pulled out of your chest when you face up to how much they mean to you.