It is a real shame that lessons learned do not automatically stick with you in the form of magically changed behaviour. This week I had to 're-learn' why some things are so important- in particular, how much I need relationships and that being stubborn and 'self-sufficient' does not lead to positive emotional outcomes for me or my family.

We just lost some really good friends. Well, they moved to America but in some ways it feels as if they are gone forever, a whole world away. It wasn't a surprise that they were going, but its funny how the loss hits you emotionally like a ton of bricks, even when you feel as if you had processed it well mentally. Last Sunday at Tribe was the first one without Alex and Monica and I wasn't prepared for how it would make me feel. I found it hard to view many things positively and felt on the verge of tears often. Eli was also struggling to process the loss of his best friend, Chase, and I probably took on more than I should in empathising with his emotional state. The old fear of 'how is Tribe going to survive without them' kept repeating itself as an anxious war drum in my mind, and my response was to withdraw, both in my interactions and then in the form of leaving earlier than normal with the kids.

The theme of isolation continued into the week, with my usual routine of heading to both sets of parents for a day falling through. Instead of embracing the challenge and looking for new opportunities to connect, I chose to burrow in at home, losing a bit of perspective in the process. By Thursday afternoon, my emotional state was pretty dark and my 'editing' of the week was more of a tumultuous post-apocalyptic saga than happy family movie. The thought of getting back out and heading off to House Church was not on my list of things to look forward to. Man, am I glad that I went though!

Even the trip over to Allie's house helped in altering my perspective. A quiet car, space to think and process the highs and lows of the week. By the time I arrived, I was looking forward to the challenge of realigning my actions with the values I supposedly ascribed to. At the moment, at Tribe, we are doing a series based in neuroplasticity and how we can rewire our brains to replace unhealthy habits and create better relationships in the process. It has been one of the most challenging and practical series to date for me, and I have done a lot of analysing of my reactions and habits as a result. One of the most helpful things in the series is how it highlights the importance of authentic community and relationships in assisting us to change our habits. If we are not willing to be vulnerable and accountable to those around us, the process is so much harder. After leaving the house under a stormy cloud and probably bracing for an impending downpour, Dave was very relieved to receive me home instead spouting acquired insights and hopes of changing practices. He puts up with a lot sometimes!

I'm realising more about my triggers and 'tells' that happen before an outburst of frustration- in particular, when my response to a situation is to release an expletive or three. The reminder that anger can often be in response to an unspoken attitude that I am 'entitled' in some way to 'good behaviour' or a pre-determined amount of sleep from my toddler, which is- let's be honest- completely unrealistic! Gratitude as the anti-dote to anger has been another weapon in my arsenal this week, and one that needs practice to become commonplace... I'm also resolving not to play the 'grumpy wife' and let things slide as soon as Dave steps through the door. Can't be that fun to know that you might have to brace against stormy weather in the place that is actually meant to be a haven and refuge.

I've also noticed myself saying "But I'm not good at..." a lot this week. Things like initiating catch ups or heading out on spontaneous adventures definitely aren't my strengths but that  doesn't mean I can't push against the initial wave of discomfort and have a go.

Whether it was changed perspective or changed circumstance, Tribe today seemed to be poles apart from last week. I could see everyone pulling together, seamlessly interacting and chatting, new faces and the possibility of new relationships, children shrieking in delight and running around playing games together, an amazing array of delicious food carefully prepared by so many different hands, people initiating ideas for living more simply and hope for a community filled already with so many precious people. My anchor belongs firmly here- with those who know my weaknesses and love me in spite of these quirks. Here's hoping I don't have to learn that lesson again too soon.

If there is a video playback in heaven of our lives, I really hope I don't have to watch today's reel. 

We launched into the new term better than expected yesterday- kids behaved well, the new chart system with monetary rewards seems to be motivating both Eli and I, and there was nothing too difficult to overcome in the course of the day. 

And then today happened. I packed the kids into the car to go to the library and noticed as I was getting in that the front tire was pretty flat. "No problem", I thought, "I think I remember how to put air in a tire, I'll just do it on the way." We pulled into the petrol station and located the air. I opened both windows so the kids could talk to me if necessary. Then I looked to see what pressure to fill the tires... and couldn't find it anywhere. Whilst frantically opening car doors and scanning labels, I hear "Ooh, I need to go to the toilet" closely followed by "I've done a wee in my undies!" 

I yanked Eli out of the car to use the travel potty but it was too late. As he's been very reliable lately with the toilet, I haven't had to be as vigilant with spare clothes, so of course had none to change him into! I had to strap him back in the seat sans clothing and attempt to do the air again. Of course, after this saga, stress levels were at an all time high for both parties. My less than calm response and lamenting the fact that I had repeatedly asked him less than ten minutes ago if he needed to use the toilet also didn't help. I still couldn't find the information about the air anywhere.

After a few frantic and unanswered phone calls to Dave, and finally finding the car manual, I hooked up the air... and couldn't for the life of me make it work. I heard hissing and felt air blowing everywhere but into the tire. The background was now filled with mournful howls from the backseat as I swore like a sailor (in a semi-whisper), telling the kids to just wait as I tried to figure this all out. "Mum, I'm a bit scary!", wailed Eli. "Mummy! Mummy!" went the repetitive screech from Hudson. Finally I figured it out and we high tailed it out of there as fast as legally possible. 

While the rest of the day hasn't quite hit the same dramatic lows, I have found it difficult to recover. We eventually made it to the library, after a detour back home to get new clothes, but as soon as we got home it felt like my patience was hanging by a thread, and any slightly mischievous or frustrating behavior just set me off again. 

At every new failing and outburst I feel more like burying my head in the sand. Apologizing for my mistakes starts to sound very hollow when those mistakes are seemingly on repeat. The very last thing I wanted to do was gaze into the looking glass of the recent past and evaluate it. I despise the 'me' I uncovered today- a short-tempered, tight-fisted, emotional basket case incapable of dealing with any curve ball thrown her way. Thankfully the days I exhibit this level of behavior are few and far between but it doesn't make it any less confronting when it happens to rear its ugly head.

I guess it also doesn't help that at the moment I've been struggling with a pregnancy-related health condition that is a bit too delicate to mention, but that insists on pervading my every thought with its discomfort and pain. Having had this slight glimpse, I can't even imagine how women with significant, ongoing health issues survive as mothers. I have a very long way to go on this journey. 

Motherhood is bloody hard at times, particularly when things aren't going to plan or if there are underlying issues that sap patience and perspective. But even now, taking a moment to write it all down, facing up to the ugly reality of disappointment in yourself is surprisingly far easier than squashing it down beneath distractions or drowning the discomfort in alcohol/self-medication of choice. Who would have thought? 

In the midst of it all, though, I still tried bandaid approaches to regain my self-esteem. First I tried experience: "Who wants chicken nuggets?!" I even strayed from the loose change menu for my own burger choice, hoping the special lunch would lift my spirits. It didn't really help. I just had three pairs of hungry eyes looking at me when I finally got the chance to eat the now soggy burger at home. 

Then I decided to try baking. "Doing something worthwhile and productive always cheers me up", I thought. While the chocolate chip cookies came out fine, the chaos of baking with kids was not really within my coping limits and the resultant batter smears and flour-stained floor did little to make me feel worthwhile and conquering again. 

I spent longer than usual putting Eli to bed tonight. We lay on the bed chatting way past bedtime and it was pretty special. By the end of the day I now see this span of time as a success, despite my failings, because of the way we were able to process and respond to the detours. For Eli, his memories of today will be paying for a Planes iPad game with his own (earned) money, going through a photo album of him as a baby and spending time talking with Mummy about whatever he wanted. 

I guess anything can be redeemable if you are willing to face the ugly head on and process it... At least that is the lesson I will try to take away from today.

I'm not sure why 'control' is such a big deal for me... Objectively, I know that I am but one tiny part of a massive world and the appearance of control is often more of an illusion.... But still I fall for it, over and over. 

Having kids really challenges that perception of control. Hudson came down with something in the last few days and was absolutely miserable. Breathing rapidly, super lethargic, moaning in his sleep, waking frequently. We are still not even sure what he had but he seems to be mostly back to normal now. 

Not knowing what was going on with him was hard. At the same time, Eli had a wound in his foot and around 10 splinters to be removed, and he was not amenable to me even talking about them, let alone touching them! His hysteria at the perceived pain was tough to handle, and I am not very creative at dealing with opposition. Let's just say my approach starts off with reasoning, then, if that doesn't work- anger. Yes, not a great solution, I know. 

While we got there in the end, the unsettled feeling of not being in control really unnerved me. In the midst of this, Dave had a meeting with a Campus Principal of another school to discuss potential partnerships and job opportunities. Even though it was actually a couple of hours, it felt like forever. Hudson was sleeping very fitfully and Eli not coping well with me having to go and continually resettle him. I ended up snapping at Eli and ordering him to bed. I relented a little and said he could read in his room, but ten mins later, to my surprise, he had tucked every toy he owned into bed and was curled up next to them fast asleep. I hope that picture of him will stay with me forever.

I read a challenging article about how we are over-protecting our kids. Eli went for a sleep over at his best friend's house on Sunday night and I really struggled letting him go. When I told him that I would miss him, he looked at me gravely and said "I'll be really quick, Mum. I'll eat my breakfast quickly and be back soon." It is so damn hard to let go even for things that seem innocuous and non-threatening, how crazy hard is it going to be when you know they are heading into real danger? I agree in principle about not wrapping kids in cotton wool, but finding it very hard in reality, particularly in light of my tendency towards control. 

Parenthood continually and gradually challenges every perception you have of yourself. I really couldn't imagine life without Eli and Hudson. They both drive me crazy at times, but overwhelmingly make life so worth living. Time is already going so quickly, it is good to be reminded of that perspective...even if it feels like your heart is continually being pulled out of your chest when you face up to how much they mean to you.

Have I mentioned before how much I love planning parties? The menu, the decorations, the deadlines, the strategy, and that feeling of adrenaline as you draw all the strands together to create a beautiful whole just before the guests arrive! You could say that I need very little excuse to start convincing Dave that another party is in order...So, the event of finding out what gender baby we are having was the perfect catalyst for creating a Saturday brunch feast for our closest friends and family!

Pinterest has become one of my major tools in planning for any event. I always start with the menu and usually end up going a little overboard as I glean inspiration from the myriad of recipes and food artist shots of people's creations. This event was a brunch theme so I went with Fruit Salad Cocktails, Toasted Muesli with Yoghurt and Raspberries, Cream Cheese Cigars, French Toast Bake, Breakfast Enchiladas, Sausage and Hash Brown Casserole, Burek and Cherry Clafouti. Having gone with a Purple and Yellow colour theme for Hudson's Gender Reveal Party, I decided for a less confusing Navy and Red colour palette for this one.

Juggling two active boys and party planning can prove to be a little tricky at times, but I tried to involve them as much as possible, showing Eli and Hudson the video of our previous Gender Reveal Party and asking them for their predictions on whether they thought they would have a brother or a sister. I put the decorations up early in the week, both to increase anticipation and to save time when things got crazier... I ended up reusing the brown paper bag bunting that we had created for Hudson's Teddy Bears Picnic and utilised all the chalk boards in our house for name suggestions, themed pictures or voting boards on our name shortlists.

Throughout the week Eli and Hudson helped me with the Toasted Muesli and the pastries so that these would be ready to go on the day. We made a banana cake for Grandpa John's birthday as he had generously agreed to share the spotlight on his special day.

Friday arrived and with it a host of anticipation. I had booked a long overdue hair appointment for 9am at a new salon nearby. After providing my usual instructions to the hairdresser I removed my glasses for the duration of the cut. Unfortunately the hairdresser's cheery 'I'm just going to shape around your face" didn't register alarm or the "I'm just going to thin out the back" and by the time my glasses were back on, it was too late. I was now sporting the most uneven, unflattering, unnaturally parted hairstyle that I had ever paid for. But, it was now past 10 and our 20 week scan was booked for 10:30 so I had no choice but to hightail it out of there.

Dave and I made it to the clinic with three minutes to spare. Despite this being my fourth scan with the ultrasound technician, I dutifully re-answered the same questions she always directs my way, "no, this isn't my first baby", "yes, all of the deliveries have been natural" etc. As she was setting up, Dave asked if she would be able to write down the gender on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope. She agreed fairly unenthusiastically saying she may not even be able to tell the gender from the scan. I started feeling a sinking sensation in my middle. The computer screen flashed on and she quickly tilted the screen towards me, "well, there's the head of the baby... Ok, now onto the measurements" and the screen went right back out of view. She spent the next 20 minutes mumbling about body parts and clicking the screen. We did get to hear the heartbeat for at least 3 seconds (!) but you definitely got the sense that she was going through the clinical motions and you were just part of the machinery in getting her job done.

Half an hour later and we were still no closer to finding out whether the baby would reveal its gender. The technician didn't seem too fussed if she found out or not, saying we could just reschedule the party! Apparently the baby was not being very cooperative and was keeping its legs tightly closed for the scan. After some enthusiastic jiggling and coughing and swaying from me, I hopped back onto the table. After some very long seconds, she said "....Ohhhh yeah.... I'm pretty sure I know what you are having.... but as I say to everyone, it's not 100% reliable so don't get too excited". Needless to say, my anticipation was a little bit deflated.

Dave and I stopped for Subway on the way home, just to process the situation and to spend some kid-free time together talking. It was really nice, though I still find it hard to just enjoy the moment when we are kid-free. In the back of my mind I'm always wondering how Mum and Dad or Grandma and Grandpa are coping with our energetic whirlwinds! We got home to relieve Mum and started focusing on the abominable haircut once again. The worst thing, I had said to Dave, was that I just didn't say what I really thought because I was so afraid of offending the hairdresser. Mum wasn't so hindered and decided it was time to drive me back to the salon to demand a recut. After having looked forward to the haircut and the ultrasound and having disappointing experiences at both, Mum said she could at least help me fix one of those situations.

With my heart pounding, we stepped back into the salon. The hairdresser was still there but we managed to get the attention of the head hairdresser who was very sweet and accommodating, saying that she would personally re-do the hair at 4pm if I could make it. We agreed and thanked her and I left feeling a lot lighter.

The rest of the day was a complete whirlwind filled with cooking, an awkward re-cut and picking up the pieces of a difficult afternoon with the kids for Dave, but we made it in the end. My new haircut, while not exactly what I was initially hoping for, was worlds better than the morning's offering!

The day of the party dawned and we went right back to Action Mode. Dave took the kids to Spotlight to get the balloons and I finished the remainder of the cooking. By the time everyone arrived there was a small feast on the table waiting to be consumed!

At precisely 11:30am we gathered everyone, charged glasses with champagne and got ready for the reveal! Eli had been practicing for his big part of reading out the envelope and he did an incredible job, with 35 pairs of eyes trained on him! "G-I-R-L" he read out, and there was a big cheer. Dave and I couldn't help but sneak a peek as he read the letters out and we were overjoyed, though a little unable to take it all in as everyone pressed in for hugs and congratulations.

Now that it has sunk in (though with a big grain of salt stemming from the technician's initial lack of certainty) we are very pumped that Eli and Hudson will have a sister and we will have a daughter! Not only that, but a healthy, perfectly formed baby girl. It is easy for that to get lost in the excitement of the party, but we are very thankful and mindful that life is an absolute blessing- in any of its' forms...

Today I got to spend an afternoon with one amazing three-year-old. How crazy is it that you can bring into the world humans that you can actually hang out with and enjoy watching grow and develop! 

In the morning we emptied Eli's money box and collected $10.00 for a shopping expedition to Target. After putting Hudson down for an afternoon nap, we waved good bye to Nanny and headed towards Westfield Knox. Eli was very cute wandering the aisles in the toy section, asking me what the price of everything was and figuring out whether he had enough to buy it. I let him make all the decisions and he eventually settled on two figurines from the Octonauts. 

After handing over the small mountain of coins, we left with one happy boy and some chocolates to share. Eli couldn't wait to unwrap the packages so we settled down on some comfortable chairs and he immediately started playing. Then we had a special trip to McDonalds for an ice cream and some chips before heading back to Nanny and Pa's.

Lately it feels like this parenting gig just gets better and better. The boys are playing together more and more and even trying to out do each other with things like sharing! Don't get me wrong, there are many times in the day that things are far from perfect and I lose my cool over them not listening or doing silly things, but on the whole, I couldn't be happier that I have chosen to make my 'career' looking after and developing my kids. 

Hudson is being pretty damn cute at the moment too. Every morning, from the moment he wakes, his first word and action is 'bah-ge-ball'! Dave has set up a mini ring hanging off the chalkboard and he makes very good use of it. In fact, if he ever gets the chance to go outside with one of us to play with the adult sized ring, you can guarantee that you will be the one to tire first. He has a crazy level of focus and determination going on!

Only one more week until we find out whether we continue our brood of boys or experience an injection of femininity! I'm getting excited planning our gender reveal party and the brunch menu. People always ask if I'm hoping for a girl, but while having a girl would be amazing, I really am very happy to have another boy. The key moment will come when the envelope is opened and the mystery is revealed. I guess I'll know then for sure whether I'm accurately gauging my own expectations. 

Either way, I'm pretty well convinced that having a big family would be amazing. Yes, it's going to take a lot of refining of my controlling and perfectionist ways, but, man, is it worth it! We went to Emerald Lake Park for a picnic last Saturday and it seemed that every second family walking past had four or more kids. There is just something about the companionship and shared values and experiences that seems to come with a big family. 

I guess all we can really do is take it one kid at a time...one amazing kid at a time! 

Looking back at blog entries, I noticed that exactly a year ago I was blown away by the concept of Neuroplasticity. This week has been another big epiphany about the power of the mind in responding to situations around us.

Every second Sunday we have been doing this thing called Solace at Tribe. A few of us get there a little early and spend some time meditating and reflecting and realigning ourselves with the 'Jesus way'. This week, Jono and Allyssa shared with us some incredible insights from their own journey out of Jono's chronic pain into absolute health- in terms of physical capabilities, diet and mental strength.

They started off with the concept of 'Editing' and how we all do this, whether subconsciously or consciously, every day. They demonstrated this by getting us to look around the room and pick out all the red objects, then close our eyes and reel them off. We then had to keep our eyes closed and remember all the blue objects. Even though there was a blue object right next to each red one, our brains didn't focus on and remember these items anywhere near as efficiently.

The 'red' objects in our lives can be pain or negative moments or particular struggles that we have going on at the time. For Jono to get better he had to learn to re-edit his day, so that for the first little while he was only able to tell Allyssa about the blue or positive aspects that had happened. As he learned to focus on the positive, his mind began looking for these things and not focusing on the negative as much. Apparently, no one is born an Optimist or Pessimist- we are created or create ourselves this way.

Already this week Dave and I have been practicing this editing concept and it has been so powerful. Usually, when Dave asked me how the day is going, I tended to pull out all the crazy, dramatic things that weren't going to plan. Then at the end of the day, even if 98% of it had been positive, if the last 5 minutes had been crap, it would be the majority of the story I would be re-telling.

The power of language was another insight that was shared. Jono asked what happened if he told us 'don't think about a midget juggling fish'. Immediately, the image invaded our minds. The power of telling ourselves 'not to' focus on something or 'don't behave like that' is actually reinforcing the behaviour we want to avoid.

I have struggled with this for a while but haven't had the understanding to come out of it. When I would feel myself slipping into a dark place or into rage, I would try and tell myself not to go there, but it would do absolutely no good. Even this week, just before Dave left for work he spilt a full cup of coffee all over the bench, all over the dishwasher and down the cupboards and floor. At first I did struggle with feelings of annoyance and frustration, as 'this is not how I was picturing my morning' and 'mornings are hard enough without all of this mess to clean up'. I began to tell myself 'don't go there' but then realised it was the wrong approach. Instead, I began thinking about how Dave had selflessly got up half an hour before me that morning, got the kids up and got them breakfast, made me toast in bed, and had made me a cup of coffee! The gratitude then overwhelmed the frustration and I was able to recover! Sounds like a no-brainer but it really isn't when you are on the edge of that 'losing perspective' precipice.

For Jono it was about telling himself what he wanted, and not in a negative way like 'I want to be pain-free'. He had to instead say 'I want a knee that can move smoothly and that I can walk on'. His mind was then able to channel energy into making that happen, rather than reinforcing the victim mentality that he was at Pain's whim. He had to say 'I'm doing pain' not 'I'm in pain' because he was then owning his part in the situation.

Changing our mindset to focus on the positive thing that we want rather than the negative behaviour or struggle we want to avoid can be so powerful. Just looking at Jono now, running in the gym playing soccer, bouncing off the walls playing with the kids, wrestling his nephews and offering help to whoever is in need, it is incredible to see how far he has come. Less than two years ago he was unable to walk on a hard floor without pain, perched uncomfortably on a chair in the corner with a barely masked agony rippling through his face, unable to type on a computer or play his beloved drums or guitar. What a difference the mind can make...

Already this week I can see so many situations that would have gone differently if I hadn't been at Solace on Sunday. Last night, as I made my way onto the Monash Freeway at 6:45pm I was greeted by a parking lot of cars. I said to the kids, 'We can get angry and frustrated by this situation and lament the fact that it is going to take us a very long time to get home, or we can relax, sit back, turn up the music and enjoy our warm and cosy car!' Despite it taking us over an hour to get home, we had a positive time together and I learned as much as they did! Despite the fact it 'wasn't how I pictured the ride home going', I realised we were so lucky that we had a warm car with plenty of petrol, that the kids had nappies on and I didn't need to go to the toilet (for once!).

I'm really excited by these epiphanies and so pumped that I get to share them with Eli and Hudson and hopefully help them shape really healthy and positive frameworks to view life by. When the mind is as powerful as it is, to be able to channel that power to completely change your situation is incredible. What a privilege that is....

I'm not quite sure why birthdays are often difficult... The week prior to Friday I had spent a lot of time reassuring myself that it would feel like a normal day, that the kids wouldn't magically be perfect and that even if it was hard, Dave would be home around 3pm. It didn't work.

I started off positive, despite Hudson waking up very miserable and crying his way through breakfast, I reassured Dave it would all be fine and booked an appointment at the doctors. We arrived right on time and I was feeling upbeat. Then I was informed that the doctor had only just arrived and there were still three people to be seen before us. Suddenly all my positivity vanished. 'This is not how I pictured spending my 30th birthday!' I thought as I kept hauling myself off the waiting room couch to let a whingey Hudson in and out, and in and out again from the play pen. 

Half an hour later, the first patient had only just exited the room and I was pretty dark. We eventually made it in and found out Hudson has Tonsillitis. We quickly picked up the antibiotics and made our way back home. On the way back Eli started massively cracking it wanting me to stop in the middle of the intersection for an indistinguishable reason. I lost it and by the time we got home the waterworks had started. Eli kept asking me, 'Why are you so sad, mum?'

The day didn't really improve as Hudson woke up from his nap very miserable and both kids decided they needed to spend the rest of the day attached to me. Of course, toddlers don't tolerate rivals lightly and the rest of the day was spent breaking up fights in my lap. By the time Dave got home it was all I could do to stop myself literally hand balling both kids to him. 

We made our way to mum and dad's to drop off the kids for a sleepover, then headed into Doncaster for some downtime before the big dinner. I struggled a little to get out of the negative headspace and felt like I was now missing the part of the day I had been looking forward to for weeks. Dave suggested that I was expecting too much from the moment and to just relax and enjoy the time for what it was. He was right and I had a much better time after that.

The dinner at Mama Manoush was so much fun! I was so happy with the way everyone interacted and that mixing groups didn't prove to be at all awkward. The food was really interesting and having little tastes of everything is exactly the way I love to eat. Dave spiced things up a bit by proposing controversial hypothetical situations, and it just worked really well. 

We had almost convinced ourselves to book a last minute stay in Fitzroy, but then the inconveniences of having no change of clothes or toiletries weighed in. As soon as we curled up in our own bed we were very happy with our decision. Waking up after a leisurely sleep-in and only having to dress ourselves in the morning felt like a massive holiday! We enjoyed a yummy brunch at Four Figs in Beaconsfield and then went to pick up the kids. That feeling of seeing your kids again after a short break is pretty damn special...

Kluska restaurant awaited for a joint celebration of mine and dad's birthdays. The food brought back so many memories of our time in Poland. I had a spicy sausage and cabbage stew and by the end it seemed like we tried at least half the menu offerings! 

Maybe in some ways the hard morning helped me to treasure the anticipated moments more, as, realistically, life is really not that hard anymore with both kids mostly easy to manage (when they have had enough sleep). I definitely learned to relax a little and not expect unrealistic things from big moments and appreciated how a night with friends can really energise and inspire you. Birthdays as a mum are certainly different, but they sure teach you to treasure the special experiences. Three meals out in a row at amazing places felt positively hedonistic! Now to get into the first year of my thirties....