To say it has been a rough morning is like saying Antarctica is a little bit chilly. If I caught a replay of the events I think I would cringe with shame and it would be a struggle to keep watching. 

Eli woke up in a funk. Little things that would normally not even register were catalysts for massive tantrums. The biggest inconvenience to him was, of course, coming to breakfast. Once Dave hightailed it out of the war zone, things didn't exactly improve. In the end, after about three stints in time out and a few yelling matches, I ended up throwing his breakfast in the bin half finished. That was almost 2 hours later. 

I was exhausted and Eli was hysterical. I put him back to bed at 9am. I followed suit very soon after, though with Hudson wreaking havoc it didn't take long before I had to haul myself back into reality. The problem: Hudson had found a wet nappy and torn it apart all over the carpet so the little beads of silicon (or whatever they are) were everywhere. I can only hope that none of it made it into his mouth... 

I'm not really sure how we pulled it together. I was certainly directing a few symbolic flares upwards and a few expletive laden texts to Dave in the meantime. I think one of the mantras that helped was from a poem I read recently, bluntly entitled "Bitches Get Shit Done". The content of the poem echoed familiarly as I surveyed our situation, it was definitely too early to try and coast until Dave got home, I sure as hell wanted to pull a blanket over my head and block everything out, but I pulled myself up, channeling women who are capable and patient, becoming them in the process. And somehow we got there in the end.

Not saying the rest of the day was perfect, I still got cranky and controlling with the kids as we tried to make scones. And I was anything but patient with Eli when he started screaming at me to fix his show as I was gently patting Hudson back to sleep. But we found the magic again. Eli built a shopping center with his Lego, Hudson practiced crashing his cars and endlessly followed around a soccer ball, making oooh and ahhh noises as he went. We managed a quick trip to the shops to get jam for our scones and both boys actually played very nicely together most of the time. 

Motherhood is bloody hard sometimes. There is no other job on earth that pushes you to such extremes, particularly when you have high expectations of yourself and issues with control. I hate it when I fail, when I get 'growly' at Eli and crack it at something that is objectively not even a big deal. The mirror glaringly reflects all my faults and a whisper constantly tries to convince me that I'm screwing my kids up with every outburst.

Most of the time I channel my energy into frenetic cleaning so that at least I can feel in control of something. Today I tried not to do that but it was really tough. I did do a bit of cooking instead but hopefully that is more redeeming as it involves the kids too, and, come to think of it, forces me to release my control to let them help. 

Despite the absolute shemozzle of our morning, I do consider myself overwhelmingly lucky to have two kids, let alone ones as cheeky, endearing, cute and charming as Eli and Hudson. And my failures are a good reminder of the fact that I have no hope of doing this motherhood thing without a hell of a lot of divine help. 

I know that God forgives me for screwing up, but that is not what is still hanging over my head...I forgive myself for failing...Man, that is hard to say. 

Ok time for some photos to remind me that life is not like this all the time!

I have a new favourite kids' book: 'Cooking with Grandma'.

I almost feel like a child again, delving into the pages with wonder and pouring over every detail of the illustrations. The content of the book is actually quite simple, following Anya's visit to her grandparents house and what they cook each day. The magic is in how each creation becomes part of an experience where they create a scene, share their offerings or invite people to join in the feast, culminating in a magnificent party with everyone around a scrumptious looking, cherry-laden chocolate cake!

The Grandma in the book is amazing. In every picture she has a look of pure joy, surrounded by cooking chaos, wearing homemade chefs hats and dressing up to the nines, sharing her skills and creating whimsical experiences for her granddaughter.

She embodies a complete understanding of 'the good life', embracing every moment and finding utopia in the seemingly mundane, bringing people together with food and magic. I so want to be like her!

We just had another Wine Tasting Party on Friday night. I took Eli and Hudson to the deli with me to choose from the tempting array of cured meats and cheeses. I felt like a kid in a candy store as we pointed to all of the treats we wanted to take home! There is something pretty special about getting the house and food ready for an impending party... hanging decorations, putting scent in the candle burner (Yankee's Vanilla Cupcake), slicing the homemade bread, arranging the salami and brie and grapes and dips onto the butchers paper. As people arrived, one by one, Eli's anticipation grew and he positively danced with excitement, playing the perfect host by hand delivering Sea Salt and Balsamic Vinegar chips to each of the guests!

The wine tasting format is pretty awesome too, with the funny/meaningful stories people come up with for their wines, and the prospect of new tastes and experiences every 10 minutes. As the night progresses, people relax more and the sounds of animated discussion and belly laughter fill the air. Every time we finish one of these nights we emphatically declare that we should have them every month! The only downfall is that my motivation to host them goes down dramatically when I become pregnant...

I really hope that my children can catch even a little of the magic of bringing people together through food. It really seems to me that it is the perfect place to share life with others, generously give to those around us and create moments that will never be forgotten. I hope that when I look back on my life, I will have been like that Grandma, living with such joy, generosity and wonder, creating moments of magic that draw people in, like the warm glow of a candle in the window where a storm blusters and blows outside. What a privilege that would be.

Dave and I have been reading probably the best fantasy fiction series ever created recently. At this stage only The Way of Kings and Words of Radiance have been published, but the author, Brandon Sanderson has flagged a ten part chronicles and we are loving it!

In a lot of ways, delving into this other world could not have come at a better time. I feel like we have been straddling a parallel universe and that so much of each world crosses over into the other. The way that Sanderson deals with otherworldly power, with codes of living, characters wrestling with who they are and who they need to be, with breaking out of a dominant culture to be part of something unseen and amazing- is absolutely inspiring and awesome. Both Dave and I have suddenly been pressed with a sense of urgency in life now, and a firm resolve not to let our time here go to waste.

This has culminated in a bit of a watershed moment at Tribe, of things unsaid being tearfully volunteered, of relationships mended, and hurts confronted. We have critically examined ourselves, our relationships and our structures and realised a lot of what we have hoped to achieve is not even on track at this stage. Reassuringly, it seems that everyone's stories and threads are coming together now, to form a beautiful picture of what a community can look like when we be vulnerable and real together.

I'm so excited about life right now! We have had over a week now of poignant moments with friends over dinner and wine and what has become our Tribe game- "Jay's Balls" (It sounds a lot more risque than it is!...Think Trouble with cards and teams). A Google Hangout where over half of Tribe people showed up from their living rooms to mull over what we want our community to look like. Apologies, laughter, hopes shared and dreams ignited. This is so what I picture a Jesus community looking like, and it is so amazing that we get to be a part of it now!

The fact that this has been overlaid by night after night of kid-induced sleeplessness probably reveals just how powerful this elixir of relationships has been. Dave and I have just decided to embrace the exhaustion and unpredictability of this phase and keep having people over, despite the conventional wisdom of 'needing a break'. In doing so, we have uncovered an unlikely secret- doing life with people actually energises you more than a 'night at home' could ever do. This does come with a caveat- I've found that presenting a front of togetherness to your guests is absolutely exhausting and I would be better off having a night at home in the energy stakes. It is only when one is willing to let all the masks go that this path can truly be rewarding.

Tuesday night dinners with Nick and Laura have become something I really cherish, and we also had Coutties and Sharon over this week at the same time. At one point I looked around, Nick and Coutties had gone to get some ice-cream that I had forgotten, and Laura and Sharon were doing the dishes while I made some Golden Syrup Dumplings. The Planes soundtrack was on in all its epicness, and Eli and Hudson were ecstatically playing amidst the hum of laughter and good conversation. We were doing life together and it was absolutely incredible.

I'm almost 30 and I feel like I'm only just 'getting' now, what life is about. In a lot of ways, I feel privileged that we still have decades of this to make the most of. I just pray that we are able to make these moments count and keep seeking the eternal throughout it all. Please keep on breaking through to us, Jesus.

You would think the act of mopping would be quite innocuous. Not so in our household. It turns out that the simple task of mopping can create havoc within mere hours. 

I realised yesterday that both of my dire days of mothering were immediately preceded by mopping. Each crumb taunts me with its unwelcome presence on the perfectly shiny floor. Every drink spilt and morsel dropped hits that bit harder, and if deliberately done, pierces through my defenses of serenity in seconds.

Yes, I am aware of how anal I must sound! Nevertheless, Friday was not a great day by any measure. The first half was actually great, which is important to remember, lest the good moments get swept up in the vortex of the bad. In the calm before the storm Eli and I were enjoying playing with bubbles and I was thinking to myself how magical the hundreds of bubbles looked in the sky. Then, Eli tipped all the bubble mixture all over the deck and I told him it was all over. This resulted in screams, which woke Hudson up. Chaos and overreaction ensued.

I'm not sure why I find it so difficult to rescue the day once I lose it at the kids. Perhaps it is the guilt and shame over my actions, or the worry (as I look into their melancholy eyes) that that one outburst has irreversibly screwed them up, or the fact that Eli is a master of pressing buttons once they produce a reaction (just like his daddy :p)! Whatever it is, it is so easy to listen to the condemning whisper and write off the day as lost.

Happily though, I can report that this apparent failure of a day has not defined me as a mother and we have had a number of amazing days since then! In fact, the last two nights with the kids have been pretty horrendous sleep wise, with nightmares and fear from Eli and pain and teething for Hudson. Normally, this would dampen my outlook for the day and my sympathy for the offending sleeper with each infraction until my patience is completely worn thin. Not saying I have handled every moment with grace and poise, but the same incidents which would normally give rise to a flare of anger have been replaced with a sense of perspective on mess as transient and a product of eager, learning fingers. With a knowledge that calm responses to an already hazardous situation provide water to douse rather than a flame to cause a bonfire. 

So what has changed? I can't even take the credit for my newfound zen. Every morning I have been changing my rhythms to focus on the eternal first. Just reading even a few of Jesus' words as my bleary eyes attempt to focus on the day seems to make a world of difference. Instead of "it's WHAT bloody time in the morning!?" it is now more "today is a new day that will never be able to be repeated". I have these moments every now and then of just 'seeing' my family as if I'm watching a movie of my life. The kids' squeals of pure delight simply to play together and wrestle each other. Dave's playfulness and love for both of them is so beautiful to watch. The innocent and cute phrases that Eli says out of the blue. Hudson's look of unleashed joy when he catches your eye.

It's great to be alive.