I'm pretty sure I have found a new all time favorite movie.
Dave and I have never been incredibly inspired by the idea of Valentines Day, and this year was no different. We do usually make a last ditch effort, and Dave did collect some nice wine and antipasto ingredients on the way home. In discussing a potential movie choice we settled on 'About Time', a story about a time traveling man who decides to use his power to obtain true love.
We were both completely unprepared for how the movie would impact us. I was pretty much bawling at the end, bowled over by how much the movie just 'got it' about what is important about life. It has definitely inspired us both to make more of each day.
It's funny how this theme keeps recurring at the moment. I've stumbled upon a few poignant articles and blog posts which have continued to reaffirm the importance of realising the moment before it becomes a memory, taking the time to 'drink in' all the little interactions with our kids, and, a big one for me- admitting to others our faults and mistakes and seeking forgiveness.
If I was Tim in About Time, choosing to relive last Tuesday would be a no brainer. Basically, it was one of, if not the, most disappointing collection of moments I have helped create on this earth to date. If there was a molehill, I made a mountain out of it. If there was a slight infraction by Eli, I came down like a screaming tonne of bricks. I may have even connected my fist with a skirting board at one point when the third puddle of wee for the (not yet 9am) morning eventuated. Each time I would stop, try to gather myself and reassure myself I would try better next time. But each time, the tiniest setback depleted my entire emotional energy layer and I was right back to where I left off. Worse yet, my throbbing knuckles were a persistent ode to how low I had fallen and the failure I had seemingly become.
There was pretty much zero in that day that I was proud of, even though I did apologise to Eli a few times and seek forgiveness. At the end of the day we both pledged to try to do better tomorrow (Eli hadn't covered himself in glory either, with a few breakages, incidents with Hudson and deliberate destructiveness around meal times). The next day, however, I was interested to discover that the main memory he retained from the day was when we danced outside in the rain in our underwear before bathtime. He kept on asking when it was going to rain again. Despite all the darkness and failures, my son was an example to me, championing the moment that brought us together.
Since this dark day I have been rebuilding (along with the much needed help of family, friends and God, of course). I have learned so much about myself, my triggers, and retraining my brain. I have identified a constant undercurrent of criticism and negativity in my inward conversations towards myself and attempted to stop these rivers before they become waterfalls.
I may not have the ability to erase and remake my past, but I am inspired by the notion of realising the poignancy of the moments before the wistfulness of hindsight kicks in. I am endeavouring every day to breathe in my family and not regret my choices in my interactions with them. And probably most importantly, I have chosen to incorporate more of Jesus into my daily rhythms so my perspective can be constantly lifted from the mire of the everyday to the structures of eternal significance.
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